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onyourzeus · 4 years ago

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• beat of my heart | ydw

ykcyj ➝ arskyh

title: beat of my heart pairing: yoon dowoon (of day6) & you genre: fluff, non-idol!au, college!au words: 4.3k

author’s note: finally, a dowoon fic that i thoroughly enjoyed writing (hence how long it is) it went on a different track than planned, but isn’t that how most of my fics are turning out to be? lol. please do enjoy!

this dot fic is part of the falling asleep on the bus scenario i intend to write for each day6 member. check out the others: wonpil (currently only have 2/5 completed)

any requests? check my pinned post if i’m accepting any at the moment, thanks!

there isn’t a lot that occupies dowoon’s mind. he gets classified as an introvert by people who have known him for years but this doesn’t mean too much for him

sure, he likes to keep to himself and only open up to people he’s trusted for a while which… is the kind of life he wants to lead

with that being said, other things that goes under Dowoon’s Approved Interests would be: playing the drums, playing a ton of games, and… animals

upon entering college, he wondered if he’d have the free time to care for animals just like when he was younger, volunteering at the nearest animal shelter in which everyone who worked there knew who he was

and always regarded him as the shy little boy but also borderline an animal whisperer. it gave dowoon lots of fun memories to look back on his childhood, and for a moment he considered studying veterinary science to continue his passion for loving dogs cats and everything in between

but another love of his life was introduced in first year high school, and that is the drums. as his social circle expanded (as much as he permitted it to, so not by a lot), so did his club activities in music and even playing as a filler in different bands became his priority (next to academics)

he still visited the shelter from time to time, it wasn’t something he could just drop so easily; bonding with stray-turned-angelic pets waiting for their forever family was his form of therapy, in a way, when music got too complicated at times or when he’s struggling with a class

and then there’s playing league or overwatch or pubg to release stress in a more high-energy fashion

so when the time came that he needed to choose a major, the first thing that came into mind was music theory. he wanted to get better at playing drums, understanding notes, and improving his performance skills overall

he’s experienced frustration over figuring out the rhythm for certain songs he liked to play before, so this is what made him decide that music is the type of interest he’d want to pursue as a career

and bonding with animals… well, would be just that. this way, he doesn’t get burnt out with the one hobby he feels much peace with. his happy place, if you will

so imagine dowoon’s surprise when he learnt of a volunteering organization on campus that caters to helping out local animal shelters on the weekends. literally what he has been doing since he was a wee lad

it was perfect timing to have passed by the club booth during intro week, he already planned on auditioning for the established bands on campus (day6 sounds like a perfect fit for him, tbh) but he hadn’t reached that level of confidence with his drumming skills yet

distracting himself with going to the shelter every so often would help him leave the dorm for a bit (his roommate ha subtly asked many a times for him to ease off of the mouse clicking during the late hours of the night and shouting, “gg” over and over)

the first few times he went to the org’s events at the shelter, it was… a little awkward

one, he didn’t know anybody and two, he isn’t exactly the cute little shy 10 year old he once was that knew every auntie and uncle in his small town.

and everyone else in the event… already seems to know each other. dowoon recognizes the guy who handed him a flyer talking to the animal shelter coordinators up in the front. he had been lost in the crowd of his peers that he has no idea what’s going on

he just wants to pet sum dogs and play laser pointers with cats, is that too much to ask for?

suddenly, everyone had dispersed into groups and apparently you choose where you want to be included in

great, dowoon is just smiling awkwardly to himself as he feels the tips of his ears blush bright red

“hi! dowoon, right? do you have a group to join?” he whips his head to the sound of your voice, just a few feet ahead of him. he’s confused as to why you knows his name, so he points to himself and feels the flimsy paper nametag attached by double-sided tape on his shirt

oh, duh. they had the new prospective members do it a while ago

he sees your name too, and remembers it in the back of his head like a prayer

dowoon shakes his head, perpetually shy and blushing hard now. you feel a sense of guilt singling him out like that in the crowd, so you approach him more closely and signal to follow you

“i’m part of the board members, and we don’t have enough people in our group so you can come join us!” as publicity chair, it is your duty to make others feel comfortable and welcomed in the org. and this is your time to shine

“we’re looking at some bigger doggos today, do you have any pets, dowoon?” you try to make polite introductions as you lead the group to where you’re assigned. like a lost puppy on his own, dowoon follows suit. he’s grateful for some guidance, and actually seeing the animals calm him down for a moment

and it doesn’t feel like everyone’s staring at him anymore as he hears chit-chatting surrounding the place

so he focuses his attention on you instead, and he somewhat regrets it

he’s not those guys who don’t have girl friends, but most of the friendships he’s formed with them are due to the fact that he was introduced by a mutual friend

so dowoon is, how do you say it, entranced by the way you talk about your first big dog in the house

and the two that followed after, and how you stopped playing with your friends from the neighborhood

because all you needed in life were your golden retrievers and newfoundland

dowoon finds himself sharing his own childhood experiences of spending time at a shelter, but never having a dog of his own

“family allergies,” he shrugs and you pout for him in frustration

wow, he’s never seen someone so invested by the fact that he never got to own a pet for himself

“well, dowoon,” you tell him as you’re approaching the section of big dogs, “i hope you enjoy your time here. this is one of the biggest shelters near campus, and fortunately a lot of dogs and cats get adopted every month!”

your enthusiasm for #adoptdontshop makes dowoon feel excited again, he’s just itching to be back doing what calms him down in a therapeutic sense

you instruct the other members to join in a pair or a trio to assist the shelter coordinators with grooming some of the dogs and going for their scheduled walks

this makes dowoon suddenly panic inwardly again, why does everything have to be done in groups?

“want to come with me?” you ask him in the middle of his inner monologue. you’re met with a look of surprise similar to how he reacted when you called out his name just a few minutes prior

“me? you’re not partnering with anyone else?” you shake your head, “as you can tell, they’ve already made up their minds. you’re one of the only new people i saw come to our event today, so i’ll be glad to show you around!” and you genuinely are. it’s rare to see a newbie look so obviously excited to be here, let alone by themselves

usually the people you’ve come to know who join your events are just there for the instagram stories or a pseudo-date of some sorts. you’re happy they’re helping out the shelter with taking care of the pets even for a few hours in the day, but their intentions lie far and beyond with what you have in mind joining the org

however, having approached dowoon and giving him your usual spiel on your love for dogs— he was actually listening and nodding along to the right moments!!! it was so refreshing, especially with the way he’s just excitedly tapping his feet right now awaiting where you’ll lead him next

“oh, let’s hang out with lady! she’s actually going to be adopted soon, but i want you to meet her,” you lead dowoon to one of the bigger stalls on the right where lady was. you call out to her, and immediately you see a tail of a fawn colored pitbull sway back and forth

she comes near you first, sniffing and licking at your petting hands. lady senses dowoon standing idly by your side, and you’re about to tell him how to approach the dog when dowoon does it for himself

he bends down to her level, lifts up a loosely closed fist and lets lady smell her first. “hi lady, nice to meet you. my name is dowoon,” he coos at her, finally lady lets him in her space as her tail wags even faster

“that’s amazing,” you point out, “we had a really hard time teaching her to trust new people”

dowoon shrugs, grinning while he’s at it and you can tell how modest he’s trying to be. but the way he’s rubbing lady’s belly and chuckling at her snorts make you believe that dowoon knows what he’s doing. and he’s enjoying it to the fullest

“thank you for trusting me, miss lady,” dowoon tells the dog who has completely fallen in love with him too. you just watch him, in awe of the scene before you until dowoon looks your way

he catches you having a weird, goofy smile and so you fake cough your way as an excuse and tuck a hair beneath your ear. “does she need to go for a walk?” he asks you, tone inquisitive and hands busy petting lady much to her delight

“we can, y-yeah,” you find yourself a little out of breath, so out of the ordinary for you. but you comply to his wish and ask the coordinator for lady’s leash and the record book.

and that’s kinda how you and dowoon started hanging out a lot on the weekends. after that first event you met him, you’re quick to tell him about the incoming ones the org has for the following weeks (albeit some were supposed to be a secret, you couldn’t resist) and that you’ll be really happy if he came

for the pets, of course

dowoon had informed you that he’s trying to join a band on campus, so he might not be at every event you described. although he’ll do his best, for all the other dogs and cats he hasn’t met yet. you become curious about the guy, but not enough confidence to ask about this band or anything other than his love for animals

so for the next few weeks of the semester, whenever you get to lead an event you’re always looking for a shy boy in the crowd. and 80% of the time, dowoon comes through

there are instances when the other board members ask you to proceed with a diff group or a diff task, and before they can sweep dowoon away from your group…

“ah, actually he’s interested in becoming my intern, so i think it’s best to keep him under my wing!”

“we’re doing interns??? now?? i thought we canceled that—”

“he’s just interested, nothing too serious or finalized but yep— ah, dowoon, over here!”

what a save, and gladly dowoon didn’t hear

he’s actually formed a few acquaintances within the returning members, and it makes you proud to see him come out of his shell a lil

even if you don’t know much about him yet, just his major and the band he’s trying out for (which is looking very good, in his terms) as long as dowoon voluntarily wants to attend the events, it’s a success to you

“who are we meeting today chief?” dowoon would tease you once the event has started, and it’s becoming a running theme in your guys’ greetings

hmm, you decide, major,” is what you’d call him (as you squeal and squirm involuntarily inside) “bathing ole’ mister winston or trying to teach tiny toffee how to sit and stay for more than two seconds?”

dowoon visibly shudders, remembering the time the english mastiff mister winston slobbered him so much as a form of thanks for keeping him squeaky clean, and you basically laughed at his face for 15 seconds straight

“let’s teach toffee some tricks today,” he relents as you already knew the answer but wanted to see reactions of his flashbacks

you’re not sure if any one of the board members have noticed your particular liking to dowoon. if they did no one said a word because the whole point of the organization is

to have fun with animals and prepare them well for their furr-ever home, which is what you and dowoon love doing together. there’s a kind of synergy that you feel being with dowoon and working with one dog

dowoon knows more techniques on how to calm down anxious dogs than you’ve ever learned being in the org

you have to admit sometimes you’re still skittish, jumping from loud sounds or yelping in response to mister winston pawing at you (and his paws are bigger than your face)

or maybe it’s the fact that dowoon is there teasing you instead, intentionally hiding from you when you need a helping hand only to return with a handful of kittens in his embrace. “sorry, they were calling out to me and i couldn’t resist.”

you’d roll your eyes and attempt to get upset, but the way his own shines and his shy giggle coming out of him when the kittens fight their way to nuzzle against his cheek— it’s harder than you thought

anyway, you tell yourself that you’re keeping dowoon by your side because the two of you learn a lot together, and the back and forth coordination you have with tougher to care for dogs makes the job easier, it’s really that. it really is

or maybe it’s more… because as the weeks go by and dowoon couldn’t come round the shelter on the weekends, he asks if you want to see him practice with the band he’s joined

unfortunately, a lot of the times clash with your events or other school related activities, so dowoon insists on sending you videos of him playing the drums

it was a wild ride of messages, to be honest, because at first the camera would just be showing the ceiling, and then it would be recording his shoes, then just the surface of a drum until the vibrations shake it off of wherever dowoon was putting his phone against

nevertheless, you’d listen to how he plays the instrument he truly loves, and it was another side of him that got you feeling enamored

the day has come that there was no event at the shelter, and dowoon alongside other day6 members were having a busking session on campus grounds

“i’ll record you this time, dowoon, you don’t have to rely on faulty angles and physics anymore,” you tell him minutes before the gig started. you’ve seen dowoon give off a positive, excited aura in the shelter, but being with his bandmates and sitting in front of his drums— you’re observing a different side of him

and it’s addicting. to watch

“oh, guys by the way, she’s the one i was telling you all about,” you hear dowoon tell his members while you stand on the side. a question mark pops in your head, what does he mean by that???

soon after, everyone introduces themselves to you and shakes your hand. and you’re stunned, having known their names before (courtesy of dowoon) but not really associating a face with it

“you didn’t tell me your friends are good looking,” you tease dowoon, “you’re hanging out with the right crowd,” you add, poking him on the side to watch his reaction

and you get what you wanted, ears blushing and hands shoving you away playfully

around you, a crowd has started forming and you notice people from the org watching on the sidelines too

posters fill up the air with names of the members— and even dowoon

huh, why does that hurt a little inside (maybe you should have made a poster too? you glance at dowoon to see him gazing upon the cheers of the crowd and perhaps his name in sharpie, enclosed in hearts by his supporters)

that hurt a little more too

you shake away the weird feeling, and remind yourself that you’re here to record him for the first time, and to listen to him play live

when they finally begun their performance, you became more speechless than you thought. you’ve gone to indie music gatherings before and have watched a couple of up and coming bands do their thing

but day6 is something else— and most especially, you know the drummer

the ones those girls behind you are screaming your ear off for

he’s a god with the drums, eyes closed in parts that require careful and soft beats but you see the fiery look in them once the song comes up to its peak

it was thrilling, it was a sight to behold. dowoon in his other element, another side of dowoon you’d love to get to know more of

you resist from screaming his name so that your recording doesn’t sound ugly (you’re sending it to him after all), but that doesn’t mean your heart isn’t beating as loud as the rhythm of his drums

a few times during the performance, you catch him looking at your direction, but you’re not sure so you just raise a thumbs up with one hand while the other holding your phone feels strained as they go on

it’s ok, it’s all for dowoon

an hour later, their set ended with a bang and girls and guys alike flock to the members to get a poster signed or something else of theirs (dowoon had already given you a pre-signed poster. friendship benefits?)

you didn’t want to leave without congratulating him for a very successful first gig, so you sit by the benches. a little farther away from the platform where they performed to give yourself fresh air, and understand why your heart continues to pound so hard and so fast

and the cheers for dowoon’s name playing back in your mind

it’s the after show adrenaline, you tell yourself, rewinding the footage you recorded to pass the time

your mistake since it was all just dowoon

there were times when you “accidentally” zoomed it in his face, and kept it there. for minutes on end

god why does he smile like that, stop you’re hurting my HEART

“someone’s a fan,” a low, litling voice creeps up behind you

and your first instinct is to punch the invader of your personal space

which you did (albeit not as strongly as you wanted) but when realizing who received said punch…

“dowoon holy shit WHY WOULD YOU GO BEHIND ME LIKE THAT”

“I DIDN’T KNOW YOUR REACTION WOULD BE SO VIOLENT”

so uh, there you suddenly are

in the college’s nurse office

with the drummer of what seems to be a rising band on campus, dowoon

getting his bloody nose (literally) checked out, and asking him serious questions without you in the room

“did she really think i’d punch you like that???”

“i think it was really nice of her to look out for me, you know,” dowoon smirked, and the two of you had already come out of the office and you were ready to actually punch him for real this time

but you decline your desires because you still feel a bit guilty

a part of you knew it was dowoon, the voice was a dead giveaway, but you’re “logical reasoning” says you didn’t want him, nor anyone, to see you admiring his face on video. playing it on loop

“i’m sorry,” you finally say, cringing at the turn of events tonight “can you still make it to the band’s after dinner party? can you still eat with your nose like that?”

“you’re so weird,” dowoon replies, pinching the bridge of his nose as he elicits a short “ow” of pain, and you can’t help but feel so terrible

“ughhhhhh dowoon pls say i didn’t break your nose or else your fangirls will hate me”

“what”

“you heard me don’t make me say it again”

“say what again :)” at this point he’s just messing with you, his nose doesn’t look crooked anyway and he definitely knows there were girls fawning over him!!

“c’mon, i’ll pay for the uber to take you to the restaurant,” you urge, it’s the least you can do for physically hurting the person who seems to be confusing you what draws the line between being a friend and… potentially liking them more than that

dowoon doesn’t respond, just shakes his head no and walks alongside you

“what do you mean no???” you’re baffled, why would he decline such a good offer??

“no i’m not going to the dinner, it’s fine i get to see them every day,” he reasons out. he stretches his arms and evokes a yawn. “besides i’m pretty beat from the gig, so i’m just gonna crash back at the dorm”

you’re not convinced, what if he’s just pretending to be sleepy so he doesn’t bother you anymore? biting your lip, you contemplate on persuading him to go but buying his dinner (you’re not sure how that will work) until he stops in his tracks and

pinches your cheeks

to stop you from thinking as your eyes land on his

dowoon huffs, eyebrows creased with concern as he says, “you look like one of the dogs we fed last week who wanted more food in his bowl, but he doesn’t know he’s on a diet.”

he.. really compared u… to a dog????

“what do you mean by that,” you counter, cheeks heating up from the sensation of his fingers pinching at them. not too painful, but enough to consciously feel the pressure of his touch on your face

not to mention his focus is all on you

“you’re upset because i won’t give in to your apology gift,” he explains further. “but really, i’m fine. you didn’t break any bones, and you aimed for my nose. if it were my hands that got hurt then it’ll be a different story”

you groan outwardly, not knowing how to best him out of his logic

“c’mon the bus is coming soon, let’s call it a night,” he says, releasing your cheeks from his grasp and instead, tugging at your hand to follow his lead this time

you don’t let it go

once you enter the bus, dowoon finds an empty two seater and slides right in by the window seat, patting the one next to him. you reluctantly take the spot, still reeling from the way he held your hand so effortlessly, still confused about how you feel about him, still wanting to make it up to him

“is there an event tomorrow?” dowoon asks, escaping you out of your reverie. you churn your brain to think as this is a good opportunity to divert your attention somewhere else

“i believe so. i’m not leading the event, but it’s basically adoption day at the shelter. did you want to come?”

“of course, if you are”

“oh,” that caught you off guard… he can always come to events even if you aren’t, he’s a member now and he’s good friends with the other board members…

“if you’re not, then are you busy doing something?” he yawns again, eyes becoming droopier by the minute as the bus takes it leave

“not really… we can go… together,” you attempt to string coherent sentences together, but the sight of dowoon dozing off at the electric hum while the bus moves entrances you

his pale soft skin contrasts the tiredness in his voice, trying to keep himself away by answering you

“mm. yeah, i’d like to go with you...anywhere… with you,” he starts mumbling, head dangerously close to colliding against the window

silently, you chuckle. and admire the hardworking effort you’ve seen dowoon achieve so far, it makes you momentarily forget about figuring out your feelings

cause it’s kinda obvious with the way you’re seeing him right now, usually you’d tease him, take a picture for blackmail or even feel slightly awkward sitting in the bus next to each other

but right now, you admire him. and wish you can talk to him more about the band, about his dreams, about going to events “as long as it’s with you”

you hear him continuously mumble string of phrases that are incomprehensible at this point, and instead of making fun of the guy (you’ve done enough damage to his nose), you gently tell him, “sleep, dowoon. i’ll wake you up when your stop is here.”

“mmkay,” he gives in, breathes out heavily and

leans against you

resting his head on your shoulder, even making himself more comfy by nuzzling his cheek by the junction of your neck

in a way it sets your heart aflame

but on the outside, you feel at ease. that he can easily take the hit with his nose just mere moments ago and willingly let his head, and his mind rest for a little right by your side

you don’t have to wonder about your feelings anymore

you’d want this to happen more in the future, and hopefully

you’re just wishing upon a star here, that dowoon feels the same

#day6 imagines #day6 scenarios #day6 au #day6 x reader #yoon dowoon imagines #yoon dowoon scenarios #yoon dowoon au #dot series #by:jiae

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venus-says · 4 years ago

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Healin' Good Precure Episode 13

I think I've been wrong all these years and yellow is actually my favorite color.

After 9 long weeks, Healin' Good is finally back to us!!

I know it doesn't feel like that much time has passed to me since I had that break and I watched the previous episodes still in this month, so to me it has been only 2 weeks or so, but I'm just as glad as everyone else that our girls are back.

It's kinda sad I don't have a lot to say in the episode because despite it being great not a whole lot happened on it, and that's understandable considering our situation I wouldn't expect an episode that was packed with everything. But to compensate for that, since this is the first week with Precure being released in simulcast on Crunchyroll I'll have a little section at the end to comment on the releases, it'll more or less just be what I've said on twitter but for anyone who doesn't follow me there or that missed the tweets I'll just put those thoughts in here.

But that's enough of introductions and talk about the episode itself.

We (thankfully) pick up from the point we left last time with the villains welcoming their new general and Hinata doubting her abilities.

One thing that was pretty fun of this episode was seeing how Batetemoda interacted with his fellow generals. I don't know if they'll pick this idea and have him spend some time with Daruizen and Shindoine as well, but this awkward junior and senior relationship that they established here between him and Guwaiaru was pretty great. Something tells me that Batetemoda's enthusiasm here was pretty much all fake and that he'll at some point eventually drop the act and stab Guwaiaru in the back or something like that, and honestly, I can't wait to see something like that happening.

While still on the villains, I liked this plan of infecting a drone and going around infecting the city in smaller quantities but affecting a more broad area, and the dynamic of the girls running around trying to find the Mega Byougen but only being able to find it after looking at people mentioning UFO seeings on their version of twitter, I can't express how much I liked this it was so much fun, I love that they put that there. I think the only disappointing part of this was in the action department, but again, I understand that they wouldn't be able to deliver something spectacular so it's okay, also we got some cool moments in this fight like when Sparkle used Grace's shield to give her impulse to jump and kick down the monster so there's no much of a reason to be hung on this very much.

With this part out of the way, let's talk about the main focus of this episode.

So, I was very afraid that they would somehow rush with Hinata's conflict to make up for the time lost with the hiatus, thankfully what we got here was a somewhat mid-way point, the conflict was there and it was pretty good but it felt like they concluded this way quicker than what they may have intended at first, of course, I'm in no way related with the writers of the show and this may have been the original plan all along and I'm here saying misconceptions but to me, it felt that they wanted more.

And in other cases I think this would be harmful, but since we're talking about insecurities, anxiety, maybe a little bit of self-imposed pressure and self-esteem, and these are things that are constant but at the same time are things that come and go, I feel like having it appear here and be solved and then, if they chose to, appear later on would actually make sense, and I think the way the episode handled the question was pretty good, you know? That thing Chiyu said about this not being logical and that are times where people can't help about the way they feel about something regardless of what other people say is very true, it's very relatable, and it's very important that a show for kids is going out there and saying this to heir main target audience. And of course, Chiyu and Nodoka being there for Hinata, expressing their support, was pretty good as well, after all, sometimes all we need to stop thinking everything we do is meaningless is a single person being there for us so... great stuff, great great stuff.

I think this pretty much does it for the episode itself, so let me share my thoughts on the official subs for the show!

So, I watched episode 13 three times, one with the fansubs, one with crunchy subs in English, and a last one with crunchy's subs in Brazilian Portuguese. The Crunchyroll subs are good. I wouldn't call it excellent because by the way they translated the scene in Hinata's room, in the English subs, felt a little colder than what I saw in the fanmade and in the PT-BR subs, there's also a very minor thing that bothered me that's the fact they translated the whole show without the use of honorifics (which is completely fine to me) but then when they referred to the Element they used "Element-san" and it felt odd because it didn't match with the rest of the work they've done. But for that matter, I really liked Crunchyroll subs in Portuguese, it did a pretty good job with adapting each character and the way they speak to what would sound normal to a Brazilian person, in particular Hinata, Nyatoran, Batetemoda, and Guaiwaru, it felt like they gave an extra amount of care in writing their lines. With that being said there were a few lines in the intro bit that the pronouns used were a bit off, but it happened just there so I think it was just a small fluke.

In conclusion, the Crunchy subs are good, I believe the differences I noticed from the English and Portuguese subs are probably just particularities from each different translator who was in charge of each specific language, which is to be expected so, it's not a big deal. In the end, the biggest villain here is Crunchyroll's player that everyone knows isn't the best, but I believe we can all get past that so if it's available on your country and you have ways to afford it go support the official release, and if you're from a non-English speaking country you may also want to check the subs on your native language just for curiosity to see a different translator take. Sadly the first 12 episodes aren't up yet, which is kinda a weird move, but I think it's worth supporting an official release to the western audiences.

And I believe that's all I have to say, I wanted to comment on how Nyatoran has a cute as hell birthmark in the format of a fish on his forehead and how fun it was seeing him being embarrassed by it but I had no place to put this comment on so... In any case, the show is finally back and apparently, they're not skipping episodes, at least not up until episode 18 from what I saw in the Wikia, and that makes me really happy, as I mentioned one of my biggest fears was them rushing in order to catch up with the time lost but it seems that at least for the next month we won't be suffering from any rewriting hurting the pace of the show, and that's great. Let me know what are your feelings about all of this, the episode, the Crunchyroll subs, the future of the show, anything you have to add, the comments section is open for everything you have to say. Stay healthy, stay safe, never stop resting, thank you so much for reading, HAPPY PRIDE! And until the next time, healin' goodbye.

#Healin' Good Precure #precure

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ohsweetflips · 5 years ago

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okay just gonna be very honest here, mad spoilers for amnesty episode 29 under the cut bc i’m basically gonna be documenting the emotional turmoil me and my best friend just went through

[us, getting breakfast before listening]

me: so, yeah, the description of this episode was something like “one final lunar interlude. our heroes reflect on what got them to this point before their final standoff.”

him: oh my god it’s just going to be a recap

me: i thought it was going to be flashbacks? except, like, from their past before amnesty?

[us, starting the episode]

griffin: so yeah you’re gonna hear some old clips-

my friend: told you! it’s a recap episode!

[the episode beginning]

us: who tf is this man

me: holy shit they’re skipping months

mama doesn’t know where the sylphs are??? amnesty lodge is closed????? it’s months later?????

our current attitude: ?? kinda skeptical but we’ll go with it

[duck’s section]

hey!! sarah drake!!

we lost it laughing at minerva’s “i’m going to eat a pizza and watch the voice”

it sounds like kepler is closed off from the public? like, with the extraterrestial stuff and the mountain collapsing, it sounds like kepler is guarded off like in apocalyptic movies so that no one can get in or leave? and that’s, how do u say, very concerning!!!

like, it seems like A Lot of fbi agents are coming into kepler which, like, makes sense, but still

my friend: listening to this is kinda confusing

me: yeah it’s almost like the same person is playing seven different characters at once

[ad break]

me: ngl i’m kinda nervous but also i think this is how everyone who listened to balance as it was happening felt when stolen century started so... i trust griffin, but i’m nervous

my friend: oh yeah griffin is going to make this all work out

also my friend: also mama is being kept in captivity bc she doesn’t know where the sylphs are but duck does because of the spring-thing

me: holy shit

also it sounds like amnesty lodge is either closed bc a) the sylphs are gone, b) it was raided, or c) it was destroyed by the fucking mountain falling into town

honestly it sounds like kepler in general is in shambles

[mama’s section part 2]

basically the one thing that has been sticking out to me is the light creature stuff. like, even when we first saw them back in the water arc, it always stuck out to me that they all seemed Incredibly At Peace

honestly thank god for this section because i forgot so much about thacker, especially how fucking creepy that scene was with him and aubrey in the basement

[aubrey’s scene]

hey!! the hornets!!!

i love how aubrey and the hornets are working together, tho it seems rather begrudgingly

me and my friend settled on that it seems like they’re... preparing for something? a fight, obviously, but against what, or who?

aubrey is preparing some Big Magic

also the music playing behind aubrey trying to cast A Spell was so fucking good

also thank god for those flashbacks bc a) they fit so well and b) i forgot so much

and i’m so glad they finally came back to the interpreter, i was wondering what was gonna happen w/ her

tho, tbh, me and my best friend had this moment of utter understanding

it was during the flashback when janelle was telling aubrey about sylvain and how she disappeared and no one knows where she went

and i just turned to my friend and said, “i think aubrey is actually sylvain”

and my best friend said, “i was about to say the same fucking thing, aubrey isn’t a sylph because she is literally sylvain”

so that’s the theory we have

also me and my friend: where! is! dani!

bc obvi i will never stop worrying abt dani

[that fucking final scene]

okay

o k a y

throughout this entire episode, i was thinking to myself, “god, i’m kinda nervous for ned’s section. it’s probably going to be a funeral, right? like, it’s gonna be sad, yeah?”

but then, i started thinking to myself, “hey... this episode is only, like, an hour and fifteen minutes... and mama’s already had two sections, and duck had his, and aubrey is having her section, and it’s long, so, like... are they gonna skip ned?”

and then

we hear clint gasping for breath

and the amnesty theme starts

and me and my best friend kinda side eye each other

bc, listen, i love ned so much and would love more of him, but i kinda didn’t want him to come back bc his death was so impactful that it would’ve kinda... ruined the moment?

and then we hear, “aubrey! you did it!”

and then

we hear

“welcome back, thacker”

and we

fucking

lose

our

minds

we both gasp and throw our hands over my mouth (im still driving tho so one-handed)

and we’re both just speechless

and we’re just staring at my radio as the ending music plays

and i start absolutely fucking losing it, “holy shit! clint is fucking thacker now! holy fucking shit! oh my god!” except like take that x1000

and i’m screaming and me and my best friend are just staring at each other and, finally, he says, “griffin mcelroy is a fucking genius”

and we replay the moment bc we Cannot Fucking Believe That Just Happened

and, oh my god, it was fucking wild, bc we were still driving down by the beaches and absolutely freaking out and my friend is like, “it was so perfectly set up! griffin is a fucking genius! thacker is a character with no established personality or backstory! it’s fucking perfect!”

and i was telling him abt all the theories that had been going around and just

holy shit

it was definitely one of those “you had to be there in my car to truly see what was going on” moments bc me and my best friend were absolutely losing our minds and, ngl, if you can, find a friend to enjoy stuff with! bc i listen to amnesty w/ my best friend and, as someone who already loves amnesty and has a lot of fun listening to it, it makes it so much more fun!!

and, like, we had been saying that entire episode, “something is gonna happen with thacker, something’s gonna happen”

and, well, something happened with thacker

like, okay, we all kinda assumed clint would still be There, but i was thinking it was gonna be ned flashbacks or something

but clint coming back to play thacker??? that is officially one of the best the adventure zone moments ever like that part needs to be cemented in adventure zone history

we are also waiting for when shit goes down with fucking dr. harris bonkers phd bc he was mentioned A Good Amount Of Times

now, we’re just wondering how the next couple episodes are gonna take place

griffin said that, in two weeks, the final arc will begin. does he mean the finale, or does he mean an actual arc before the finale?

anyways, i’m so fucking hyped, and amnesty is so fucking good, and i knew i was right in not paying attention to other people saying “oh amnesty won’t have moments like what balance had” bc i knew that the end arcs of amnesty were going to pack a fucking punch

so, yeah, moral of my ted talk, amnesty is really fucking great!!!!

“griffin said gay rights when he brought thacker back” “gay and trans rights”

#taz amnesty spoilers #taz spoilers #like seriously mad spoilers i run through the entire episode #long post #taz amnesty

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a-shameless-otome-rp-sideblog · 5 years ago

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looking for otome-based RP partners!

Hullo (hopefully future) friends! I’ve got a bit of a weird proposal.

(For anyone who saw the first one on my OTHER-OTHER side blog, this is redux, the 2.0, because that sideblog was TOO NEW to show up in tags and I am really hoping that this one shows up on this MUCH OLDER and REPURPOSED sideblog!)

ANYWAY, here blog isn’t and probably won’t ever be an RP blog. I’ve RPed on Tumblr a lot in the past (mostly in the Homestuck community, a few years back) and while doing so was a lot of fun, it was also a lot of work! Maintaining pages, bios, graphics, etc, is all stuff I seemed to have all the time in the world for a few years back, but I find I really just don’t anymore.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know where to find RP outside of Tumblr and cherubplay (thanks again, Homestuck!) either, but Cherubplay isn’t exactly the greatest for finding anything outside of just raw-doggin-it-smut-fests and while that can be, uh, fun, it’s not really what I want to focus on when I RP.

So why am I here?

DISCORD RP!!

I’m hoping to find other people who don’t really have time to run an RP blog (or who do have time, but also might be willing to dip their toes into doing it on Discord, too, assuming you aren’t already!) for some good time plotting and roleplaying!

Which I guess brings us to the meat of this whole thing… (more, of course, under the cut!)

WHAT WILL WE RP?

I’ve been real keen on otome lately and I’m really looking to play some canon boys to your MC or OC! While I’ve certainly had my fun playing girls before (mostly in WoW, or other MMORPG settings), I find I always prefer to play dudes, and (if you’d pardon this bit of arrogance!) I think I can be pretty dang good at it!

While I do occasionally ship MxM, it’s really only something I do with my best bro, so I’m sorry to disappoint, but I’m really only interested in MxF pairings atm! I hope that’s okay with everyone.

COOL, BUT WHAT SERIES? WHAT CHARACTERS?!

I’d like to say I have a pretty healthy familiarity with a lot of otome, but I’m not sure I’d be the hottest at RPing them all! If it can’t be guessed by my avatar, I’m kind of on a Hakuouki kick right now, so I’m partial to that, for sure, but for ease of readability and so you can get a good idea of what I’m open to, I’ll list them in some nicely formatted order.

Hakuouki Characters

Okita :: Okita is tied for my personal favorite Hakuouki dude with Sannan, but I think I’d enjoy playing him a lot more than Sannan (which isn’t to say I wouldn’t like to play him, too!). I’ve always been partial to smirky, tease-y boys, especially when they’re struggling with confronting their feelings.

Sannan :: Sannan speaks to my love of polite but cold characters, and it’s only a bonus that he’s a megane, which I’ve also always loved! As mentioned above, he’s probably tied with Okita as favorite Hakuouki dude, but I think Okita’d be easier to play.

Kazama :: Kazama is fun because I’ve always had a love for garbage can style kidnap-and-seduce plotlines if that was your kind of thing!

Saito :: I love Saito aesthetically and his personality is pretty rad and I’d rank him as pretty up their on faves, but I admit I don’t have overmuch experience when it comes to awkward slow-to-open-up kinda boys! I’m sure we could make it work though.

Other dudes :: I’d be willing to try honestly most anyone from Hakuouki but these are the ones above are the ones I feel most confident/interested in playing! If you’d like someone else, you can most certainly ask, especially if you have some kind of plotline you’d like to see!

===

Diabolik Lovers

Oh baby, yeah I am totally into this hot hot dumpster fire!

Reiji :: As mentioned, I love megane, and Reiji’s probs my favorite of everyone in the whole dang series. Older? Check. Smart? Check. Responsible? Check. Cold? Double check. Really fucking mean? Check. Smirky? Well, in the games, yes!

Shuu :: Sorry Reiji, but I also love Shuu. I might make him just a twinge OOC because his laziness might make advancing the plot kind of headachey, but other than tht, I love this loser.

Subaru :: Subaru, contrary to his third place on this list, is probably pretty close behind Reiji for favorites. Aggressive, ill-refined, totally willing to fight everyone – I admit I tend to play the more well-spoken and calculating kind of characters more, but I’d be willing to rock Subaru for you to the best of my ability!

Ruki :: I won’t say Ruki’s my favorite of the Mukami brothers but I like him a lot and I think I’d play him well!

Everyone else except Azusa and Kou :: Spoiler: I love Azusa to death and find him adorable but I don’t really relish playing openly masochistic characters, so he’s a no go unless we can work something out! Kou is – no offense, but I just really do not like Kou. As far as the famous Sakamaki triplets go, Kanato is one of my absolute all time favorites, and I’d be willing to play him with the right person… but we all know he’s kind of an absolute nutbag, so I’m hesitant to dump that on anyone! Ayato is a staple and Laito could be… like Kanato, I think I’d have to feel pretty assured by my partner they could handle the grosser parts of his character. Open to exploring it, however!

===

Amnesia

I’m not gonna bother sectioning everyone into neat little areas cause there is so few, but Toma is my favorite (I’m a real sucker for yandere, whoops). I’d be willing to play him, of course, provided my partner was comfortable with it! I’d also be willing to do Kent (my second favorite!), Shin and maaaaaaybe Ukyo. Sorry, I didn’t really care for Ikki – not because Ikki was bad (he was actually cool!) but because fan girl route characters drive me BANANAS.

===

Other fandoms :: Hit me up and ask if you want me to try anything! I might surprise you!

===

AND SO THAT LEAVES US WITH… WHAT WILL YOU PLAY?

Honestly, I’m gonna be real with everyone here: I love roleplaying because it’s like writing fanfiction with someone else, so it’s all the fun and self indulgence of fanfiction, but better, cause ya know – someone else is doing it with you! And I’m really here for the self indulgence, so please go ham.

Yeah, you can play the MC of the game, and I’d be cool with that! But honestly, I love OCs, and I’d love to hear about and plot with your OCs. I have some ideas for potential plots (especially for Hakuouki), but I’m also open to your ideas, too, and I think a lot of plots could work best outside the confines of a pre-established MC. Also, you get to show me your drawings/face-claims/whatever for your characters, and that’s pretty rad!!

Also, as someone had asked when I tried to post this on my previously non-functional blog, I’m also open to crossovers! I’m cool even if I don’t know much about the character -- you’ll just have to pardon my ignorance.

===

So, uh… RULES? RP STYLE? ETC? SOME POORLY ORGANIZED POINTS

+ Yeah, I’m deffo 21+ so ideally you would be too, especially if there’s anything like, remotely scandalous going on! I’m not too sure I feel very comfortable RPing with anyone younger than 18, mostly just because there’d be such a big age difference between us. Rest assured it isn’t because I think I’m better than you, or being ageist! It’s mostly just for my own sense of comfort!

+ Speaking of scandalous, I don’t push hard for anything super graphic unless that’s your style because I’m very much a person who loves drowning in the emotions of “holy crap does this guy really like this lady a lot”. I tend to be over indulgent as heck when it comes to inner monologues describing just how much your character makes mine’s heart go doki-doki, so expect a lot of that. If we start heading towards fuck-making of the graphic non-fade-to-black-variety, we should deffo discuss the sorts of things you discuss before those scenes! (Kinks? I GUESS???) But, as mentioned, it’s deffo not at all on top of my list of prerogatives. We need to BUILD for that!

+ My RP style tends to be 3rd or 2nd (lmao, Homestuck) person, present tense, a couple paragraphs to “oh my god, you can shut up now”. You can write however you like, with my only request being that you be passably literate! Not like, snootily literate. You get what I mean? I hope so. ):

+ As far as activity goes, I’m also fine with the Tumblr esque style of replying whenever you get around to it! If we both happen to be on for a barrage of replies, great! If we can only get one or two out a day, also great! I’m pretty easy going, honestly.

+ I love working in universe and also going mad with AUs. Find some cute starters or AU ideas on tumblr and you wanna throw them at me? I’m always open. From vampires where there are none to school AUs to coffee shop AUs I am willing to try most things, but note: I am primarily a fan of DRAMATIC ROMANCE so keep that in mind!

+ Want some kinda crazy love triangle where your lady is pursued by not one, BUT TWO DUDES? We can probably make it happen!

+ I run the gamut from fluffy and sweet romance to angsty yandere esque stuff, so please feel free to talk to me about what kind of dude you’d like!

===

A SAMPLE OF MY STYLE:

It has been months, Okita reminds himself. It has been months, and months, and more months on top of that – almost a year, maybe a little more, even, and as he sets his teeth behind that constant wolf’s grin, he thinks to himself: You should be better than this. You should be stronger.

But for all the time he’s spent with her, it has never gotten easier. No, no – it has only ever gotten worse, and it’s particularly bad now that he’s alone with her, now that she’s so close –

“Okita-san?” Her voice rings in his ears like a few plucked notes of some delicate string instrument, and he feels his lips part, his smile all teeth. She’s paused, midway between pouring him a cup of tea, and her eyes – ever and much too familiar – meet his with a hint of shyness Okita feels guilty for relishing. “Are you okay?”

“Worried about me, mn?” He rolls his head from one shoulder to the next, halfway between a shrug and a stretch, and tries very hard to resist the urge to pull her towards him, into him, that he might catch more of the rich perfume that lingers along the line of her throat. “You shouldn’t be.”

You should, he thinks, and not without a hint of guilt, be more worried about yourself.

===

ANYWAY, IT’S LATE.

I feel like I’m missing some garbage, but I’ll probably add to this tomorrow when I inevitably remember what I forgot! If you’re interested, send me an ask or a submission or a Tumblr… DM? We can work from there with regards to exchanging contact info!

#hakuouki rp #hakuoki rp #otome rp #diabolik lovers rp #amnesia rp #ikemen sengoku rp #hakuouki #hakuoki #diabolik lovers #amnesia #ikemen sengoku #i'm sorry for all these tags i'm trying for exposure #let's be real this probably won't even work #i might have to do this on like #my main blog #or my main side blog #the horror

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analogscum · 6 years ago

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DON’S PLUM (2001, d. R.D. Robb)

Why is it, my dear Scumbags, that forbidden fruit is the sweetest fruit of all? Why is it that, when we know that we can’t have something, it only makes us want it that much more? This applies to any number of life’s pleasures, but especially to movies. Just think of the number of films that are out there, just waiting to be viewed, but because they’ve either been lost to time, or the powers that be have locked them away somewhere, we may never get to experience. London After Midnight. The Day the Clown Cried. Until recently, anyway, The Other Side of the Wind. Well, tonight, thanks to the magic of illegal YouTube uploads, I’m here to tell you about some of that forbidden fruit. We’re going to talk about a film that its stars do not want you to see (if you live in America or Canada, that is), a film that to this day they continue to try and bury via any legal shenanigans they can. So get ready, because it’s time to take a big juicy bite out of Don’s Plum.

To start, we must talk about the nineties. In the nineties, two big things happened that allowed Don’s Plum to come into existence: the advent of low-budget Indies with cool kids talking in verbose, provocative lingo (see: Pulp Fiction, Clerks, Reality Bites, Kids, etc.), and the teen heartthrob coronation of Leonardo DiCaprio. As an infamous New York magazine profile from 1998 established, young Leo ran with a gang of fellow young thespians who would be immortalized as “the Pussy Posse.” The modus operandi of the Pussy Posse was…well, you can probably guess what it was. These guys were all about scoring chicks and getting loaded and not tipping waitresses, and they lived like goddamn boy kings. Leo was the leader, with his two best friends Tobey Maguire and Kevin Connolly on either side of the pussy throne. Other members of the Pussy Posse included David Blaine, Lucas Haas, and R.D. Robb, who you undoubtedly remember as the kid who played Schwartz in A Christmas Story. Anyway, around 1995, Robb had a boffo idea: if I could get my hands on a camera and some black and white film, I could shoot my friends doing what we do every night, just hanging out acting like douchebags, and somehow this will magically congeal into a smash indie hit. So Leo and Tobey, who were allegedly under the impression that this was just going to be a short film, gave Robb a bunch of money to make this thing, which he did, casting Leo, Tobey, Kevin Connolly, and a bunch of their other friends, shooting on and off for a two year period, with the young actors improvising almost all of their dialogue. And with that, let’s get into the finished film itself, shall we?

Los Angeles. The mid to late nineties. Everything is in black and white and super fuckin’ suave, because, again, it’s Los Angeles in the mid to late nineties. Jeremy Sisto is driving a pickup truck with leopard print seats. He kicks a hippie chick out of the passenger seat, mumbling something about “I need…pleasure. And…I need…to know that with…BRUTE FORCE, I got you out of my life, mmkay?” So, uh, right off the bat, um, that dialogue. Yikes, right? The hippie chick, for her part, gets very angry and yells, “You were supposed to take me to Vegas!” Don’t worry, we never find out why she was going to Vegas in the first place, or who Jeremy Sisto’s character is, because he then promptly drives out of the movie. Bye, Jeremy Sisto! Beep beep!

Cut to Tobey Maguire, who looks like he just finished going through puberty roughly five minutes before Robb called “action!” He’s got a dopey look on his face, and an unfortunate bowl cut/chin scruff combo that makes him look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. He’s sitting in a moody mid to late nineties café, drinking a comically large cappuccino, and half paying attention to the absolute worst goddamn music I have ever heard in my life. The end credits describe this band as “acid jazz,” but I think a more accurate description would be “music to try and swallow your own tongue to.” It’s like a fiendishly unlistenable combination of free jazz, ska, Tom Waits hobo wailing, and beat poetry, and it should’ve been left back in the nineties where it belongs, alongside Olestra and the Kosovo war. Tobey is trying to pick up some ladies to bring to hang out with his friends later, but oddly enough none of these women want to hang out with an arrogant sad sack who has all the charisma and sex appeal of Uncle Joey from Full House. Meanwhile, there’s like a full-on burlesque dance number happening to accompany this zoot suit cacophony, and the director only occasionally cuts to it for a few seconds at a time. I guess, who needs to see a big splashy musical number when you can watch a comic relief wet blanket who just got his first pubes strike out with every woman he talks to, right? Luckily, the café waitress takes pity on him and agrees to accompany him to meet up with his friends, and then does basically nothing else for the rest of the movie. Occasionally the scene will cut to her to remind us that she’s there, but, like, is she really there, though?

Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley is sitting facing a dude who is showing his bare ass to the camera, because that’s how real fuckin’ life just is, maaaaan, not everyone always wears pants, dude! They apparently just had sex, even though she’s fully clothed, and they get into a philosophical argument about nothing and everything, as if they’re in the worst deleted scene from Slacker. Even though they clearly hate each other, the dude, Brad, invites Jenny Lewis to come meet up with his friends, and she makes some overly hostile joke about how he didn’t make her cum earlier, because low-budget indie movie. Next we see Kevin Connolly driving down the street in his Jeep, when he encounters the hippie girl from the beginning of the movie, like a couple of star-crossed blabbedy blahs. Finally, FINALLY, we’re introduced to Leo, when he borrows a comically large mid to late nineties cell phone from this little hood rat kid who insists on telling him some boring story about a brawl at the Viper Room even though Leo is CLEARLY trying to use said comically large mid to late nineties cell phone to call up every fine young female he knows to meet up with him and his friends. This makes the little hood rat kid very very angry, and its supposed to be funny, I guess? Anyway, like they were all fated since time immemorial to do, all of our leads finally converge down at the titular greasy spoon eatery, Don’s Plum.

Now, have you ever been at a restaurant, and you find yourself sitting near a table of people who are so obnoxious, so vapid, so relentlessly annoying and unpleasant, that you can no longer enjoy your food, and just find yourself eavesdropping on every improbably stupid thing that these goddamn condom leaks are rattling on about, slowly being pulled further and further into their vortex of suck? You have? Well, then, congratulations, because that experience is the rest of this fuckin’ movie. Jenny Lewis and Brad are the first to arrive, and what do they do? They start playing a goddamn harmonica. Um, no. Hell no. I’m trying to enjoy my meal in relative peace and quiet, you know what I don’t need? Your shitty ass John Popper impressions, ok? Get that shit all the way outta here. Then, just to really up the insufferability factor, Jenny Lewis starts opining about Bob Dylan, but she only calls him Bob, which, you can take that one away from here right away, and then launches into the following diatribe...

“You know what I’m so sick of though? All that fucking commercial grunge crap. It all sounds alike. It’s like the record companies that are promoting sterile music. I mean, I love Nirvana, don’t get me wrong, but they weren’t the Beatles.”

WOOF. Mercifully, Brad interrupts her to tell her that he loves her, even though it’s their like, first or second date. She’s reasonably creeped out by this, and just by how earnest and dark and brooding Brad is in general, until thankfully Tobey and the waitress show up, soon followed by Kevin and the hippie hitchhiker. Leo gets his own grand entrance, checking himself out in the reflection of an aquarium while some mid to late nineties boom bap hip hop blares on the soundtrack, natch. For the next hour or so, the group basically just chain smoke countless cigarettes (remember when restaurants had smoking sections?), harasses their waitress, Flo (hey, it’s a mid to late nineties indie movie, were they supposed to NOT name the waitress Flo?) and talk shit endlessly. They also say the word “bro” a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Like, way too much. The world’s most date rapey frat dude would tell them to relax with how much they say the word “bro.”

Suddenly, in between all of the cigarettes and “bros,” a morbidly obese lady walks past the table, and Leo mocks her for daring to be morbidly obese. The hippie hitchhiker takes umbrage with this, and Leo, charming guy that he is, calls her a “squatty piece of hippie shit cunt.” This escalates to the point where the hippie hitchhiker storms off, throwing her Birkenstocks at Leo, and then smashes Kevin’s windshield with a bat that she found…somewhere? Anyway, she’s out of the movie now, and replacing her is Jenny Lewis’s friend Constance, who they just happen to run into. So more bullshitting and chain smoking unfolds. Female masturbation is discussed, because mid to late nineties indie movie. They play Never Have I Ever, and Kevin doesn’t understand the rules, which is kinda endearing. They almost get into a fight with some creep in a mechanics outfit and Buddy Holly glasses. A horrible ska cover of the “Menomena” song from The Muppet Show pops up for a minute of your life that you’ll never get back. Leo sends the group into more turmoil when he outs Brad as bisexual and gives Tobey shit for being vegan. He also gropes Jenny Lewis’s breasts countless times, but no one seems to mind. They all fight about this for awhile, but eventually apologies are offered and they’re bros once again. However, upon learning that Brad is into both girls and guys, Jenny Lewis begins freaking out about AIDS, because ugggh. Then she and Constance start making out for absolutely no reason other than mid to late nineties indie movie. At one point, the film fades out for no reason, and then fades up again on the exact same scene just in time to hear one of the ladies ask the table, “do you guys bathe every day and, like, wash yourself with soap?” Meanwhile, the film will occasionally cut to short vignettes of the characters each saying non-sequiturs into the restroom mirror. Why? Again, because mid to late nineties indie movie. DUH.

The absolute weirdest scene occurs when Kevin Connolly notices a lady producer whom he auditioned for the previous week. He calls her “Spielberg with a pussy,” because of course he does, what else would he call her? The rest of the table convinces him to go talk to her. To both our surprise and his, when he tentatively approaches her at the bar, she’s like, Oh my god, Kevin Connolly! It’s so good to see you! I’m sorry you didn’t get that part you auditioned for, but get this, I was just watching your tape again the other day, and I want to cast you in the lead in this other movie that I’m doing! Not only that, I have to admit, I find you and your Cub Scout haircut and thrift store bowling shirt to be super fucking sexy, and later on tonight I wanna fuck your brains out so hard, so take my number and call me, hot stuff.

WHAT?!?! Like, is this supposed to be a fantasy sequence? Is it? If it is, you have to tell me, movie! Shellshocked and erect, Kevin returns to the table and recounts the whole thing, including the line “bro, it was crazy, bro! She was on my dick so hard!” Leo, meanwhile, is wearing some fake redneck dentures, talking in an exaggerated Southern accent, and eating his own boogers. This is all real, you guys, I promise.

Anyway, some more shit happens, and everyone is yapping about some stupid, possibly offensive nonsense when suddenly a lady at the next table over slaps the guy that she’s with. Hard. Slaps him really hard. Our heroes get quiet for less than a second, before remarking on the slap that just took place. Holy shit bro, that bitch slapped that guy so hard bro, bro bro bro bro, etc. When things get back to normal, Leo is suddenly quiet and sullen. Kevin notices, and tries to coax it out of him the best way he knows how, which is by asking, “you fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro?” Leo starts giving all of these cagey, mysterious non-answers, and before long everyone at the table wants to know if he’s fuckin’ thinkin’ about something, bro. Leo takes a deep drag off of his cigarette, and tells everyone, “my dad committed suicide bro.”

WHAAAT?!?! I’ve gotta say, I honestly did not see this coming. In a mood, Leo storms off for the back bar. Jenny Lewis follows him, and tries to make him feel better by relating her OWN familial sob story: “My dad is gone. And my mom is a junkie. She sells her ass on the corner.”

WHAAAAAAT?!?! All of these sudden dollops of soap opera drama, man! Good gravy. For whatever reason, this turns Leo on, and he tries to bang her. She rebuffs his advances, and they get into an overwrought screaming match that plays out like a Level One improv exercise at the world’s shittiest acting school. Meanwhile, back at the table, Tobey gets mad at Kevin for pushing Leo to reveal the truth about his dead dad, and this escalates into a full on fist fight! BRO!

Now, holy shit, you guys, the last five minutes of this movie. Jenny Lewis runs into the bathroom, and begins lamenting into the mirror about how she let a “perfectly good fuck” get away. As she’s saying all this, she pulls some tinfoil, a straw and a lighter out of her purse and just straight up starts FREEBASING CRACK COCAINE.

WHAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Kinda makes all that AIDS talk seem kinda hollow, huh? Then, oh my god, she starts crying and launches into this fucking after school special monologue, screaming into the mirror about how “I was the one that came on to Uncle Jerry! I was the one that was curious!”

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! Excuse me, waitress, but it seems you got drug abuse and child molestation in my mid to late nineties indie movie! What is ANY OF THAT doing in here?! And in the last five goddamn minutes of the movie, no less! So now Tobey and Kevin’s bro fight has spilled out onto the street, so Leo goes and breaks it up, he and Kevin do a very intricate secret bro handshake, everyone has a good laugh, Brad lights Kevin’s bowling shirt on fire, everyone goes prancing down the street, and the movie ends.

Now, imagine that you’re Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire. It’s late 1997, or possibly early 1998. One of you is now the biggest movie star on the planet, thanks to a movie about a big-ass boat. You’ve just seen this Don’s Plum movie that your little buddy R.D. Robb made. First of all, it’s a full-length fucking movie, not a short like you both thought it would be. Second of all, both of you are in there saying terrible things about women, doing terrible things to women, and oh shit, the majority of your fans…wait for it…are women! Bro! But worst of all, our little buddy R.D. Robb, who we thought was our friend, our fellow Pussy Posse member, our BRO, is shopping this fucking movie around to distributors? This fucking movie that could possibly end our careers if anyone ever sees it? Tell me, if you were Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in late 1997 or early 1998, would you do everything in your power to make sure that Don’s Plum never saw the light of day?

Well, according to a lawsuit filed in 1998 by one of the film’s producers, David Stutman, that’s exactly what Leo and Tobey did. Interestingly enough, according to court documents, apparently it was Tobey who was more concerned with how his performance in the film would negatively affect his nascent stardom, and therefore enlisted his much more famous best friend to help him carry out “a fraudulent and coercive campaign to prevent the release of the film.” I mean, Leo comes off as WAY more of an asshole than Tobey, who mainly just mopes around and eventually bro fights with Kevin Connolly, but in any case, both parties eventually reached a settlement in which Stutman agreed that Don’s Plum would not be released in the U.S. or Canada. It premiered at the Berlin Film Festival on February 10, 2001, and quickly faded into Hollywood lore.

Every few years, talk of this wild, black and white, mostly improvised movie with some big celebrities before they got famous will pop up again. Most recently, back in early 2016, another of the film’s producers, Dale Wheatley, uploaded the film to Vimeo and posted it to his website, freedonsplum.com, where anyone could watch it for free. Within days, Leo and Tobey’s respective legal teams had the video removed. You would think that after more than twenty years, with Leo now a respected Oscar winner, and Tobey having brought Spider-Man to life on the big screen, they’d be willing to let bygones be bygones. But it seems that they’re still legitimately concerned that they would stand to lose their vaunted place amongst the Hollywood elite if North American audiences ever got to see Don’s Plum. They still fear it. They still think it’s dangerous. In reality, it’s just embarrassing, which isn’t the same thing.

Truth is, there are a million movies out there just like Don’s Plum. There are a million other overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing indie movies made by overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people about the lives of overly earnest, needlessly vulgar, navel-gazing young people out there. I mean, I went to film school, fer chrissakes, I can say with some level of authority that Don’s Plum is the sort of project that my classmates and I poured our hearts and souls Into, only to be embarrassed by its messy, guileless sincerity later. The only thing that distinguishes Don’s Plum from the horde of other cringeworthy embryonic efforts like it is, as I said before, its status as cinematic forbidden fruit. Will its two stars ever allow the audience that it was made for to have a taste? Somehow I doubt it, bro.

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clonerightsagenda · 7 years ago

Note

Your commentary is so interesting, I love your AU and how much thought you put into it! Could you talk about Vriska's first scene (with Aranea and Meenah) or her arc in general, and/or about Play the Rain? Thank you!

Oh sweet, more opportunities to talk about myself. I am enjoying these more than I should.

This is another set that I can already tell will get long, so I’ll break ‘em up. Vriska’s arc in TLC is kind of a Big Thing, so let’s start out with her first scene with Aranea and Meenah, and I’ll work my way through the rest as I have time.

On this blog, I refer to GO!Vriska as the superior one, but in canon she still has a long ways to go. She has figured out that her other self is an asshole, and she’s got an inkling that her earlier behavior was not 100% excellent, but she stalls out there, possibly a victim of dreambubble inertia, possibly a victim of bad writing. I don’t really consider a character going ‘huh, maybe my past behavior was somewhat unsavory’ sufficient as a ‘redemption arc’. You need to do something about it. So a big focus when it came to TLC!Vriska was making sure she actually took action, and part of that involved lighting a fire under her ass. Unfortunately for Meenah and Aranea, they were the kindling.

The scene starts with Vriska and Meenah hanging out in the bubbles, watched over by Andrew Hussie, who is quickly replaced by our author self-inserts as part of the running gag and also because a grown man spying on two teenage girls dating has become increasingly creepy to me as I get older. I disapprove of Gill's overly aggressive tactics though, as you can tell from my tiny avatar. This was in early days, when I was convinced we were going to get a cease and desist letter at any moment. Now I figure no one cares.

In the conversation, I tried to highlight GO!Vriska's insecurities. Throughout the comic, Vriska adopts different personas as a survival tactic. I'll talk shit on her because she does terrible things that I feel the narrative never properly addresses, but it's not that I don't get why. She tries to play up the Mindfang thing to survive Alternia and her lusus. Later, she emulates Meenah to gain her approval, especially when her confidence is lowered by her pir8 expedition falling through and her one human ally dissing her. The fact that there's a significant age gap in this relationship doesn't help. I also find that creepy. Dancestors are like 19 right? 19/13 is Too Much, kids. I don't care how long both of them have been in the afterlife; brain chemistry remains a factor. Anyway, in their scene together, they're both falling victim to the tendency for dreambubbles to sap dreamers' energy, and Vriska's getting increasingly anxious because she feels Meenah's losing interest in her.

Then, Aranea shows up. Now, I detest her, but again, I can at least attempt to empathize. She's been dead for a long time, and rather like alt!Calliope, has had her perceptions of people skewed so she views them more as characters. (With her plans of healing the timeline, she kinda was trying to be a Muse of Space, anyway.) She hated being sidelined, and so she tried to do something about it. Allegedly her intent was good, but it quickly warped into a self-interested attempt to have her way no matter what the cost, doubling down on cruelties like mind control and murder whenever people put up a fight. Approaching the kids and offering her assistance with an explanation of her plan might've worked out fine, especially as they were scattered and looking for leadership. Instead, she went in guns a-blazing and paid the price.

On page 381, we get the hell out of there because we know what's coming, and that's pretty much the end of the self-insert gag. For the best.

As in canon, we use Aranea as a way for Vriska to see her behavior reflected back. It's less dramatic than seeing an alternate version of herself, of course, but it still prompts her to think about some of the mistakes she's made. It's less threatening when you're criticizing someone else. Still, she immediately backtracks and says they can come up with a new plan, eager to remain part of this crowd and maintain the most recent identity she has constructed.

ARANEA: Dancestor, consider this your next and most important lesson in 8eing a Serket.

We just had to lay the irony on thick here.

In canon, as I mentioned earlier, Lord English remains a sort of shadowy, not wildly intimidating enemy. He shows up with a bang in Caliborn:Enter, but after that you mostly get the vibe that he has to be defeated because he's the narrative's assigned big bad rather than because anyone has personal stakes. After all that buildup, most of the cast doesn't even confront him, and his demise is never clearly shown. Sort of anticlimactic. We wanted to re-establish him as a threat, which is difficult in a comic where it's almost impossible to kill someone properly. This scene, and the one with the puppet strings earlier, are our attempts to add a semi-horrorish vibe to the comic and go hey, this guy? He's a big deal. Plus, it's a fitting reference to the f8 Mindfang doomed Redglare to. Panel 391 is a direct reference. Aranea considers everyone else merely background characters, and the background characters kill her.

She does have one last... I hesitate to say "redemption" spot, but she does help free Meenah and Vriska when it's clear she's fucked. Whether that is out of genuine good nature or a desire to have one last impact on the story, you decide.

Then, Meenah saves Vriska, only to run out of time to escape the bubble herself. It's not an intentional heroic sacrifice (she would've followed if she could) but the Thief of Life does "give" life one time before getting doublekilled herself. This led to concerned musing on my part in the google doc that we ended up heroic sacrificing both Thieves. What sort of message were we sending about the class? That still bothers me a little, because I don't want to suggest the only way to balance out initial selfishness is to give yourself entirely. You should never be called upon to destroy yourself to prove your worth. Perhaps there was a better way to handle that, I don't know. To be fair, canon was laying the implications on pretty thick that Meenah was seeking a fight to the death against English, and so that's sort of a subversion of that (putting prudence before glory), but again. YMMV.

Despite me being the one to plan both sections, I wasn't thrilled about wiping out Meenah and Aranea not long after wiping out alt Calliope and doomed Roxy. I felt like we were really burning through the girl characters and I didn't want to give a bad impression. (We killed loads of dudes in Cherubquest, but then most of them come back.) Part of it is that we wanted to clear the dancestors off the board bc we didn't have the time or inclination to work with them properly, and Aranea and Meenah were the only ones with enough story weight that we felt they needed a bigger exit. It also seemed like a suitable ending for Aranea - she tried to take over the story, and instead she gets wiped out of it entirely. Though, to be fair, her influence did make an impact, so I guess she sort of got what she wanted after all. Also, there were in-universe reasons for most of those deaths. Doomed Roxy had to die as per the deal with Nix. Lord English was looking for Calliope(s) to kill. And there's no way he'd let Aranea's attempt to defy his alpha timeline slide. Meenah was more a casualty of us trying to get rid of dancestors/freeing Vriska's piece up on the board. Still, like I said, not wild about it, but I can’t see any other route I would have taken plotting-wise.

Ok, that's what I've got for this scene. I'll do more on the rest of Vriska's arc and Play the Rain later, I have to pace myself and also I have meetings.

#tlcstuck #dvd commentary #Anonymous

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ninjagoat · 7 years ago

Text

Notes on Supergirl 3x09

There's a good chance I might end up being facetious this episode. See if you can guess where.

So, it's the next day after Wake Up? When did Crisis happen?

We talk about bad writing on the show a lot (and believe me, we WILL be discussing it a lot today), but I want to talk about how Mon-El describes the future:

"Technology has developed beyond imagining; but at the end of the day, it's still in service of communicating with each other, and entertaining each other, and also killing each other. In this day, or in a thousand years, conflict is constant. But so is strength." The repetition, the cadence; this is a man who has given so many rousing speeches as a leader that they invade his regular conversation. It's so different from how he used to speak, and it's a lovely piece of work.

Kara's Best Friend Winn - who spent two days with a police scanner and a sewing machine helping her become a superhero, when even Alex didn't want her to be one - being tickled pink by Imra not knowing what phones are is nice.

Amy Jackson is from the Isle of Man, if you were wondering what that accent is. It's its own thing, but the Youtube videos aren't usually this... breathy.

Mon-El was basically the 31st Century Apostle of Supergirl. I'm here for it.

And for Imra's hero worship.

It's a good thing he turned down your invitation, Kara. Things might have gotten awkward, what with Lena being there and all. Or perhaps not. Who can say?

Can we have a ship war between Kara/Food and Alex/Booze soon? I think we're due a ship war that makes sense.

"Crone Buddies"? What happened to the realisation there must be someone else for you Alex? It was just last week/yesterday/possibly an alternate time-line.

I'm getting bored with Danvers Sisters time, to be quite honest. Yes, you're going to support each other through this. We know. Talk it through with someone else, Kara. Perhaps your Best Friend, Winn (who one time requisitioned an entire Catco office and server just so you would have a base of operations at work)?

Look, relationships are the only thing James Olsen has ever been shown to be bad at, so can you two hurry up? I wanna know how he's going to screw up a good thing this time.

I want to love this scene with J'onn/M'yrnn/Kara's Best Friend Winn - who once served as a buffer between Alex and Eliza at Thanksgiving while Kara basically ignored him in favour of her not-boyfriend, who called her from a romantic getaway with his actual girlfriend - but I know it's all a ploy to keep him away from Lena, and thus avoid pesky questions like, "So, how do you know the analyst from the clandestine government agency that helped me out with those things those times?"

Unpopular opinion: American Christmas songs are almost universally shite.

I should also point out that, since Lena knows he is DEO, Kara's Best Friend Winn - who once committed treason on Alex and Kara's behalf after Kara invoked his difficult relationship with his father - is the only person currently in this room that is not concealing a secret identity from her.

I'm just gonna stop having headcanons. I keep thinking of ways the show could mine conflict from the scenarios they've created, and the show doesn't then do it badly, so much as ignore it entirely. I actually burst into tears once because I thought up a thing where Kara tells Winn he can't come to the Christmas party because Lena knows he's DEO and it would raise too many questions. I would actually prefer that to this version. At least it would be a story point then.

Wait. Hang on. Are they trying to tell us that Wake Up happened on Dec. 22nd? Because... seriously, what?

Alex, you can't just steal a child, even if you are great with her; so stop thinking about it. Who said this 'wanting to be a mother' thing was out of character?

I like the choice that Lena would make weak excuses for why she can't just go for it with James. Putting your last boyfriend out of his misery by deactivating the nano-bot swarm he's comprised of must be a tough act to follow.

A funny thing about chemistry that's "off the charts"? It can't be measured.

A rhyming scene of James and Winn on the other side of the room having *their* version of this conversation would have gone a long way.

This is literally the fourth episode of eight you've spent time with Sam, Kara. It's not like she's one of the Barton Bellas.

"I've always had Alex, and she has my back, but-" Sorry, NOW TV keeps cutting the sound there, so I don't know how the sentence ends. I'll presume it's something along the lines of, "If you don't want to date someone who works for you, do you remember my Best Friend, Winn? Really smart, you saved the world together that one time? And at your party? Hates your mom? Remember? Look, he's rocking that Christmas sweater!"

(And he's clearly single, since his girlfriend of 44 weeks isn't here)

I cannot imagine how difficult blocking this scene was, if J'onn has to come up to Kara in front of the friends that don't know she's Supergirl and say she has to leave her own party on Dec. 23rd. I'll assume this scene was written by the Buffoon.

VASQUEZ! You have returned to us! From where-ever it was!

The Symbol is Kryptonian? What were the odds?

I get the feeling that 'if we don't know it, it can't be known' is a common attitude from Krypton. Kinda... snobby, wouldn't you say?

And since we, the audience, already know the Symbol is Kryptonian, why are we sending James and Lena on this wild goose chase?

Speaking of which, why would Morgan Edge burn a symbol into your corn-field, Lena? Explain the logic. While you're at it, why would you go see him about it? What is he going to tell you?

And by saying "I will go with you," as opposed to "This plan is stupid," we've got a solid idea of why there were no 'James helps mentor Kara as a reporter' stories last season.

A two minute scene solely to remind us that Morgan Edge exists. Yay.

Get Prince's name out of your filthy mouth.

"I'm here just to make sure you remain civil." You know what else would have achieved that James? Not going at all.

Here's the thing. It's Reign. We know it's Reign. There is no mystery here. THIS IS NOT HOW MYSTERIES WORK.

THE ALIEN BAR! Still lacking in visibly alien aliens. Bloody gentrification.

Dude, just put lobsters down on the floor if you're gonna do this ribs shit (given the platform, this is probably a one-percenter joke).

Look! Kara's Best Friend Winn - who quit his good job at a global media empire so he could help Kara with superheroing full-time (you know, right before Kara considered moving to Metropolis) - distracting Imra so Kara and Mon-El can talk! What a great Best Friend he is!

I'm gonna say this now: not on board with SaturnNerd, unless it's rounding out Winn's doomed trip through Nerd Fantasy Romance Tropes (the list so far: Kara - Girl Next Door; Siobhan - Mean Girl (To Reform Through Kindness); Lyra - Manic Dream Pixie Girl; Imra - Sexy/Naive Foreign Exchange Student).

You're not at the jokey we-had-fun-didn't-we stage yet, mister.

Creepy Preacher Dude! You're back! And still creepy!

Fort Rozz!

Right, they are clearly establishing Sam as Reign, and Reign as the World-Killer. THERE IS NO MYSTERY HERE.

Sam. Have you never seen a Christmas film before? You know what happens if you work Christmas Eve.

The Christmas story is nice, though. Sam & Ruby are a nice addition to the show.

El Mayarah, brothers and sisters.

'Cip'. Imra's WAAAAAY overplaying this 'foreigner' stuff.

Yep. Break her heart more, Imra. Solid plan.

Sigh. What are you doing going to other hackers, Lena? We know they're gonna be sub-par. Or James should, at least.

For newer, confused viewers, James is a superhero, who has a shield. Winn built it for him. You may not have known this.

This Reign fight is one of the best vampire attack scenes I've ever seen.

Sooooo, we needed Lena and James to visit Edge, so Edge would pick tonight to hire an assassin to kill Lena, so Reign will then target Edge. 'Kay. Oh, and Edge is apparently using Reign as a cover for Lena's 'death'. Except it happens before Reign goes on the rampage. So circular, this logic.

No love in his eyes? Admittedly, Kara's never been good at this.

Edge has a lead-lined panic room. This is the smartest thing he's done yet. Ineffectual mustache twirler.

This week's Jeremy Jordan Award For Doing So Much With So Little goes, unsurprisingly, to Jeremy Jordan; for seamlessly transitioning from sarcasm to serious through repeated use of the word 'No.'

And kudos for Kara's Best Friend, Winn - who once got up in his best clothes and went to a posh party solely to humiliate himself in front of the hostess (the hostess being Lena, who is of course not Kara's best friend, because Winn is Kara's Best Friend) because Kara had gotten herself in a jam - for emphasising that an attempt on Edge's life is only 'objectively' bad. Sticking up for his Sister in Science.

Okay, how late is it on Christmas Eve? Everyone's still at Catco. IT'S A SUNDAY. WHY IS EVERYONE HERE? GO HOME.

I'm not against GuardianCorp, there's a lot of story to mine there in terms of the relationship between Journalism and its Corporate Masters (it's not a marriage made in heaven, nor should it be); but like many things, it depends on execution. With that in mind, there's a few tangible details I want to highlight here:

Firstly, with the exception of letting her call him Jimmy, which is only relevant to a specific section of the audience (casual viewers won't remember why that's a big deal, and longer term fans of the character consider it the default); the nicest thing we've ever seen him say to or about her is that he doesn't see her as an extension of her brother. That seems like a low bar to cross. In fact, I have no idea how James feels about this particular development at all.

Secondly, James hasn't been challenged yet; or at least, it doesn't *feel* like he's been challenged yet. In my notes for 3x02, I wrote of GuardianCorp, "This isn’t a thing that’ll be resolved by him doing nothing until someone else makes the decision for him," but he hasn't actually made any decisions. This story isn't a James story (yet). It's a Lena story, about her taking a chance on him.

(ASIDE: At some point, someone decided that Lena's main flaw would be 'self-doubt' instead of 'hubris', as was previously established in 2x05. I take small comfort in the fact that person is likely no longer employed)

Thirdly (and this last one's much more open to interpretation, so YMMV), Mr. Brooks isn't really pulling his weight here. Ms. McGrath is doing *all* the heavy lifting: she's standing there, giving him full heart-eyes, and he barely seems to notice that it's happening. James could be playing it cool, I suppose; but that's just another way in which I can't relate to James as a character (because HOW? How do you play it cool when she's looking at you like THAT?).

(FURTHER ASIDE: You know who would have been a challenge for James? LYRA. Or, at least, a visibly alien alien. That story would be about James and his perception of himself; having been friends and love interests for 'passing' aliens over the years, why is an ALIEN alien a sticking point for him? Played by a trans actress, preferably, to hammer the metaphor home. It would also have given him a cause to champion at CatCo)

At some point, I should stop doing notes, and just write a damn review. It'd probably be shorter.

Why are all these Christmas parties happening on Christmas Eve?

You know when would have been a great time to do a Christmas episode? Last season, when it was all about the immigration metaphor, and your three non-human characters can all express how they feel about this religious festival they don't belong to.

Love the tone of this office fight (the song still sucks)

Kara's getting the beat-down of her life, and she's still trying to protect others. I love her.

That block and swing is fucking incredible.

AND THEN THE FLAMING DOOR!

Where the hell is this fight happening that James, Lena, AND Edge can be witnesses?

Impressed at how objective Alex is being here. Would like more detailed reaction shots though. Particularly from Kara's Best Friend, Winn.

Imra's very confident about Kara being okay.

Episodes since Winn and Lyra have had a scene together: 13. THIRTEEN. These counts were supposed to be a joke, show. Not a running commentary of despair. Speaking of which...

Episodes since Winn and Lena have had a scene together: 9 (Record high: 16). No, I'm not counting this one. Being in the same location does not a scene make. We'll just have to live with my pain extending to double digits in January.

#notes #superglue #my ineffectual rage

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mercurialsmile · 7 years ago

Text

Halo Review

Halo by Alexandra Adornetto is the worse book I have ever read. Reading Halo made me appreciate Twilight for what it is. I can't even call it a Twilight ripoff, because calling it that actually insults Twilight.

Halo is the worst published book I have ever come across. It was so terrible, for most the book, I had to read a single chapter at a time! Any more just pissed me off and bored me to tears. A chapter a day, and I was done. Only time I could read more than one chapter at a time was at the end, in where I was just rushing to get the book finished because HEY! I HAVE ONLY A FEW PAGES LEFT! I'M ALMOST DONE!

I am going to try and put the terribleness of this book into words. I really, really am gonna try. But I don't think words can really explain just how thoroughly BAD this book is.

So instead of just telling y'all how bad this book is, I'm going to show y'all. Because unlike Adornetto, I actually know how to show, not tell.

The Writing:

First, let's talk about the writing. Apparently, you can just string any words into any sentences and have them make sense now! Wow! What a concept!

But seriously, the writing was godawful. I counted maybe two descriptions that were actually needed and well-written. TWO DESCRIPTIONS! Out of... What… 485 pages? That's just sad.

The writing was bland at best and confusing at worst. It hit all the YA cliches, and then some. Random descriptions of things that had nothing to do with anything- such as a tree, or paintings. Descriptions about how beautiful the love interest was littered EVERY PAGE he was in. Seriously, you can not escape his "tousled walnut hair" and his "beautiful nutmeg hair" because apparently, his hair is made of nuts and spices. Also, he is yet another character whose blue eyes constantly change color; sapphire, ocean, cobalt, blue, turquoise… yeah every "blue" metaphor was in this book minus clorox! Pro-tip to everyone out there; all those blues are different shades and hues! Stick to one metaphor, using is sparingly, and we get it!

Besides the cliches, the similes in this book were just plain strange. "I resembled a column of shimmering moonlight" and "it blew like flour in the wind." and I honestly cannot remember EVERY strange simile and metaphor in this book, but trust me, they're there. Too many times I found myself stopping and scratching my head because of the weird way things were worded or compared to.

The book's pacing is everywhere. The beginning is rushed, the middle is slow and plods along at a pace that makes you wanna die, and the end is rushed so badly, the ending chapters just fall apart. It's like someone reminded her that books have plot, so she shoved a plot that should've been building up for the past 400-something pages into the last 50 pages. Near the end of the book, the writing simply deteriorated. It was like the book was missing entire SCENES that connected what was going on together. The characters began teleporting around the scenes as well, their body movements not written out at all. One second, one character was in the middle of the living room, the next they were at a dining table, and then they were back in the living room, then thrown across the room across the dining room table. Yeah. It was that confusing.

There were no slow parts near the end to let you dwell on any of the tragedies that happened, no feeling or care put at all into it. Most the book focused on the insta-love between the two leads.

And because it really needs to be said, there is also no showing in this book. Everything is told. Nothing is left to your imagination, nothing is left up for you to interpret, and there are no points in which the book lets you think and chew on what you just read. The writing is very simple besides the random words she obviously plucked out of the Thesaurus to use. There is nothing new about the writing style, nothing interesting, hell there is barely a style here at all, if I am being honest. It's plain and bland.

The last thing I have to say about the writing was the amount of typos in this shit book. Which, to be honest, if I had to edit this hot flaming mess, I'd fall asleep too. That's the ONLY way editors could have thought this was fine. There were missing commas everywhere, wrong punctuation, missing words in a couple of places, and too many times I stopped just to wonder how this book got published on the amount of typos alone.

I have nothing left to say about the writing. It was just a hot mess. Beyond a hot mess, it was how did this get published?

Angel Mythology and Research:

The mythology and clear lack of research that went into this book gets its own little part because I CANNOT let it slide.

For one, I can't believe that the woman who wrote this was a Christian. I seriously do not understand how any Christian can butcher their own religion so thoroughly. I'm not even a Christian, but even I could see the clear errors.

And the thing is, the errors aren't even small little errors either!

I think the biggest issue was the clear lack of any research done in angelology. One of the most basic things about angels, is that their names end in -el in some way. -El, -iel, and -ael, usually. -El means "of god."

The main angel character was Bethany while one of the other angel characters was named Ivy. The only angel that adhered to the angel mythos was Gabriel, who is, yes, the archangel Gabriel. So not even a character she really created herself. Well, if you can call any of this book's characters characters.

But I'm getting ahead of myself there.

I don't think this book could figure out which version of Heaven it wanted to use. I thought it felt Catholic, but then it fucked up the Virtues and Circles in Heaven, and also the hierarchy of angels. Archangels are not the most powerful angels in Heaven. I'll admit, I didn't really know that until I was doing my own research into angels for my own book series, but that's the thing: I did my research. This author clearly didn't. Archangels are actually pretty low on the hierarchy. The most powerful angels are Seraphim, who I believe guard God's throne.

Look, if you're gonna write a book based on already established mythology- and especially biblical mythology of a religion YOU ARE A PART OF- you have to do your research to make sure the shit you're spewing is correct!

Speaking of shit spewed, the world building in this book based on this fractured mythology never painted a clear picture. It's obvious that the angle of angels hiding among humans was barely thought out at all. The bits of worldbuilding given was always info dumped and half of it was completely pointless. It was just a mess, to be honest.

Plus, the fact that Bethany, the main character, gets involved with a human is completely hand waved with no real reason. Usually, angels being with humans is a big no-no. Look, you can either have it be a problem, or not. Plus, the reason why angels can't be with humans was never actually given! Usually, the reason is the chance of birthing nephelium children. That was never mentioned. It was mentioned briefly in a very vague manner that it's a sin for a human to get with an angel, but the reason why it's considered a sin is never given. This book tries to push that this relationship is somewhat forbidden, but it never actually is shown to be! No consequences come from the characters being together.

And I'll admit, there are parts in this book in which you kinda forget Bethany is an angel and just think of her as some stupid, naive, annoying girl. Well, she is all those things even with being an angel. It's ridiculous.

I'll go more into detail about the angel characters in the character section of this review. Let's move onto the… "plot" of this book.

The Plot:

Plot? What plot?

Seriously, there is absolutely no plot to be found here. It's tacked on at the end like the author somehow forgot books are supposed to have a point and plot.

Before I get into the train wreck that was the execution of this so-called "plot," let's talk about the actual plot itself.

The story of Halo is supposedly that Dark Forces have been gathering in a coast town called Venus Cove. Three angels; Gabriel the Warrior, Ivy the Healer, and Bethany, the most human, are sent to this town to root out the Dark Forces and put an end to the unnatural troubles the town has been facing.

Now, this is… kinda cliche. The basic story of angels-going-to-Earth and one of the angels happen to fall in love with Earth and doesn't want to leave. We've seen it all the time. It's been done to death. Of course, just because a book's plot is cliche, doesn't mean it's going to be bad. If the execution is handled well enough, and if it's nuanced enough, then any cliched plotline can become interesting again. However, this book does not play with the possibilities at all. It takes the safest route possible with this plotline and thus, in just a few chapters in, you're already bored. If you've read any YA novel at all, or hell, even seen any movies based on YA novels or high school movies in general, you'll be able to easily map out what happens in this book. Strange girl appears on Earth. Strange girl goes to school. Strange girls meets her best friend forever her first day and love interest and maybe even the bitchy cheerleader slut that hates her. Yeah, the only thing missing here was the cheerleader slut, though considering all of Bethany's friends and her best friend are shown and slut-shamed, I guess the bitchy cheerleader wasn't needed here.

Yeah. Nothing new or interesting is done here.

But that's not the worst part of this plot. The worst part was, really, just how godawful this execution was. Like… seriously. As I stated before, the pacing was atrocious.

The first two chapters really hammers in how big of a deal it is to try and figure out what these "dark forces" are in this town. But then, the book completely drops that. It's mentioned a couple of times by Gabriel and Ivy randomly, but they never actually do anything to go find these dark forces. Or, if they do, it's all offscreen and mentioned in passing. Seriously, this book drops its main and only plot for hundreds of pages to focus on the insta-love between Bethany and her love interest, Xavier. Thing is, there is nothing interesting about these characters. Putting them together doesn't make them interesting either! You could go outside right now, find two rocks on the ground, and those two rocks would have better chemistry between them than Bethany and Xavier. They meet one another like… three times, fall in love within a couple short chapters, and the rest of the book till the very disastrous end is Bethany obsessing over her love for Xavier three times a page. I'll get more into how disgusting and unhealthy their relationship is in a bit.

Now, about 2/3s into this book, the villain is introduced. You know he's the villain right away since he's described as being dark and almost gothic. Oh, and he has a tattoo. Because everyone knows ALL VILLAINS have tattoos and are "too skinny to be comfortable to hug." Yeah, that was in here too.

Thing is, the villain doesn't do anything except become Bethany's friend and act like a Nice Guy. Yeah, he's described as looking "cool and gothic" and then later donned a fedora, scarf, and trench coat. I wish I was joking.

Prom is the only thing built up in this book and that's when the villain FINALLY strikes Bethany. Now, you'd think prom is where all the bad shit goes down and the climax of the book, right? It'd be cliched, but whatever. But nope! Prom happens, the villain is revealed to the shit cast in this book. I say cast because all us readers have known for pages that he's the villain, and then the book has the GALL to spend a couple of chapters with the angels being pussies and not knowing what sort of creature the villain is.

The villain is causing the dark forces! Which is caused by demons and "agents of lucifer" (yeah that's what demons are called in this). His touch has already been described as to burn Bethany! Why are y'all being little bitches and letting him just continue to hurt people?! Why does it take y'all such a long time to figure out he's a demon! Seriously, it's eye roll worthy. It's so dumb.

After the prom, which you would think is when the actual climax would happen, events that should've taken place hundreds of pages ago are condensed in the last few chapters afterwards. Foreshadowing and everything. Someone dies, there are like a couple of pages focusing on how sad the death is even though you saw the character who died like… only 3 or 4 times in the book, then everyone is a-okay basically. Bethany is an idiot, tracks down the villain with her boy-toy, of course she is overpowered at the end, gets kidnapped, then rescued by her love interest and her sibling angels who I guess have finally decided to stop being pussies. The villain is defeated in a single paragraph, Bethany's special angel power… because this book took some influence from My Little Pony I guess and every angel has a special gift, and Bethany's is shown to be love, of course, and she defeats the villain. Everyone is saved besides the chick who died who is already forgotten about, and of course there is a sad scene with Bethany being gone briefly because she was recalled into Heaven, but no she can stay on Earth now it's all good and everyone is okay.

Yeah. An entire plot of a single book crammed into a few chapters at the end. Something tells me this author has never heard of Freytag's Pyramid or even knows what a "Beginning, middle, end" is.

Like, I've seen some pretty plotless stories in my day. I've seen some pretty butchered stories in my day. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, compares to how fractured this story is. Nothing. It's inexcusable that this was published. It's inexcusable that the author thought that this sort of flow was acceptable. As a fellow writer, I'm offended and a little ashamed.

The Setting:

Usually, the setting of a book wouldn't get its own section, but because even the plain setting was butchered, I thought it would be apt to include.

I did some research on the author, and as it turns out, she's from Australia, not America. Believe it or not, America has its own cultures and the fact that the author doesn't know any of them sticks out like a sore thumb.

Now, if not so much focus was put on these three things, I maybe would've let it slide in this book.

First thing's first, the love interest of this book- Xavier- is never referred to the proper term. He is always called the School Captain, but in most American schools, he would be apart of a Student Council and be known as the Student President most likely. Yes, it's a nitpick, but it still annoyed me.

The second thing was the fact that rugby was the Big School Sport. Rugby? Excuse me? Yes, there is rugby here in America, but everyone knows that 9 times out of 10, the most popular sport at American schools is either going to be American football, basketball, baseball, or maybe soccer. Considering how conservative this town seems to be, I'm going to say it's most likely in the south, which would make it doubly weird that rugby is the big school sport and not, say, football.

Lastly, the biggest issue was how prom was represented. Again, I would let this slide if the prom hadn't been talked about all the time every chapter, but since it was and was done terribly, I'm gonna pick at it.

First of all, there is no mention of prom tickets and of the competition to get on the prom king/queen court. The latter, I could probably let slide, but definitely not the former! You ALWAYS have to buy a ticket to go to prom! And considering how much the characters of this book never shut up about the prom, it wouldn't be hard having one of them mention something about the tickets.

The crowning of prom king/queen was also done poorly. In this book, there were multiple winners for different sections. Such as "best hair" "best dress" and etc. I have… never heard of a prom setting up their competition like that. Usually it's just plain king and queen.

Finally, the prom itself was completely ridiculous and over the top. It had no theme (every knows proms have a theme. Come on). Plus, it was fancy to the point of comedy. Waiters? Five-star food and meals? You have to be kidding me. This is some rich-ass neighborhood bullshit right there.

And honestly, the biggest sin the setting caused, which I already mentioned before, is the fact that there is NO REASON for these angels to be here! Nothing happens! Nothing all the bad happens! Every town gets its fair share of rowdy teens, fires, car crashes, and etc.! It's a fact of life and is normal. If none of those things happen wherever you live, that would be strange. The entire town of Venus Cove sounds like a rich white neighborhood. Everyone is spoiled, everyone has money to throw around for whatever reason, and my question is: why here?

Yeah, the book says that there are angels in other places- in war-torn countries and the like, but it feels like an excuse. There is never a real reason for these angels to be here at Venus Cove besides vague warnings and threats that never really come true till the last few pages of the book.

It all just feels… pointless.

The Characters:

Halo is written in first person, and we see through the eyes of Bethany, however there are multiple other main characters that need to be discussed besides the main two and villain.

The full cast of characters that actually kinda matter in this book is as follows: Bethany, Ivy, Gabriel, Xavier, Molly, and finally Jake. And they are all absolutely terrible, and I am gonna tell you why.

Let's start this off with our titular character: Bethany Rose Church.

Yup. That's her full name. Seriously, WHO in their RIGHT MIND thinks THIS is a good name?! It sounds like a name some 13 year old would think of! Bethany Rose Church is hardly better than Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. The only difference is that the former somehow got in a published book. How, I don't know. Editors must have fallen asleep.

Honestly? There is nothing much to say about Bethany. She makes Bella Swan look like a Harvard Graduate. She's naive to the point of just plain stupidity, pointless, shallow, selfish, and of course, flawless and pure. Seriously, she has no flaws to speak of that are pointed out in this book. No real character flaws, and not even physically! Her skin is described as being pale and having no blemishes or splotches at all! The book tries to play her off as this perfect beautiful sweet angel who never does any wrong, but she is honestly selfish, but no one and not the narration points out that this is a bad thing to be. She puts herself and her love interest before her work, her status as an angel, her family, and even points out that it's okay for her to neglect her friends because she has a boyfriend, so it's understandable. Um, no. Everyone knows you don't drop your fucking friends for a boy or girlfriend come on.

She's just… nothing. She's perfect and pure and shiny and an absolute bore to read because she's not a character. She's a mouthpiece for the ideologies in this. And there isn't much else I can say.

Ivy exists. That's all I can say. Supposedly she is the oldest angel, but she's literally just a housewife. All she does is cook and clean. She's barely in the book at all. I can't say anything else about her because she isn't anyone. She is also the only other female character in this book not shamed or dismissed. But I'll get into the meanings of that later.

Gabriel is just like Xavier. He's kinda broody and serious and that's about it. He does most the work and is probably the most likeable character in this book, which isn't saying much. He acts as Bethany's older brother more or less, but their relationship is just… nowhere to be found, really. They have no familial chemistry or bond. He's just kinda there to pop up every once in awhile to remind Bethany that she can't be with humans and that they have a job. Least, in the first part of the book. The middle is dedicated to him being eye-candy for Molly, which is really creepy considering he's posing as a teacher and Molly is his student.

And those are the three angel characters. And before I go on, I'm gonna talk a little about their wings.

Yes, these three have wings, and their wings make NO SENSE at ALL. In fact, you forget they have wings because their wings only ever come into play to waste time or as plot devices. Nothing more.

Furthermore, their wings make no logical sense. And I know we're talking angels here, but the book clearly says they use their wings to fly, not magic, so they still gotta follow what physics dictates since they have mostly-human bodies (and I say mostly humans because they don't have belly buttons… if they HAVE to stay undercover for a mission, why not give them actual normal human bodies? Then again, if they had normal human bodies, they wouldn't be able to be absolutely beautiful and flawless.)

Sorry, lemme get back on track to these shitty wings.

Their wings are described as being paper-thin…. Which makes no sense since wings need bone, muscle, and proper feathers, and can easily fold up against the back. Which, again, makes no sense. If they could be folded up against just the back under a shirt, then they would be too small for them to fly with and the shape would most likely be wrong.

Also, somehow Bethany was able to hide her wings even though she wore things like a prom dress, which you know… are thin up top usually and you can't even hide the bump of your bra strap sometimes, let alone wings. Also, even if you could put a shirt over your wings to hide them, you would still be able to see the impression of the wings underneath. FURTHERMORE STILL, wings are a limb of the body! They would get too cramped up to be folded up like that for days and weeks! And it is mentioned that she does get wing cramps, but it's not mentioned enough. Plus, there is always the chance that she could've flapped them by accident, or they could twitch, or get an itch somehow, or in general be uncomfortable folded up against her back and under her shirt, but again, it's never really brought up as anything important besides padding, or when the author randomly remembers that she is indeed writing angels. Gabriel and Ivy also never mention their wings beyond the fact that they have to hide them.

And the fact of the matter is is that the only reason they have wings is so it's obvious they're angels. Literally no other reason, since so many gaps and inconsistencies are made with this wing shit! It makes no logical sense to the book either! If you're going undercover, wouldn't you want NORMAL HUMAN BODIES with BELLY BUTTONS and NORMAL SPLOTCHY AND BLEMISHED SKIN and NO WINGS? Seriously, it's implied God made these bodies for them and if that's true then, quite frankly, God is an idiot as well in this.

Sorry for going on such a tangent, but I wasn't so sure where else I should put this little nitpick. Let's move onto the other three non-angel characters.

Xavier is basically your stereotypical YA love interest minus being a bad boy. He's almost too clean cut, in fact, almost too perfect. In fact, like Bethany, he's just a glittery rock too. Except he's also demanding, rude, controlling, and judgmental as all hell. He slut shames and is obsessed with gender roles. It's VERY strange. For example, he states multiple times he dislikes poetry because it's "for girls" which… considering some of the most FAMOUS poets are men, is really, REALLY fucking strange. Makes him sound like an idiot. And of course, he's the one who points out only women can wear makeup and if boys wear makeup, they must either be emo or in a boyband…. Yeah… those two only… considering a lot of actors wear makeup and many, many bands wear stage makeup… it's just… gross. As you can probably tell, this is where the book gets some transphobic overtones. Furthermore, he enforces the idea that all men know about cars and motors because they're men, and likewise all men like sports and don't understand prom and don't enjoy prom for the same reason… look, it makes no sense. I'm trying to explain it, but it makes no sense and he makes no sense either.

As for being controlling, as I mentioned before, he commands Bethany to do things like eat and such. He only allows her to hang around people he "approves" of, and HE has to be the one to protect her. He, a simple human teenage boy, has to protect and fucking ANGEL.

I'm not the only one seeing a problem with this, right? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, please come back and prevent this book from having ever being written. Thanks.

But, really, besides the fact that Xavier is controlling and edging that abuse line… which a lot of YA male love interests in these books do anyways, he's nothing. Just another white pretty boy who has no personality.

Of course, the author TRIES to give him a personality and a kinda? Tragic backstory, but it goes nowhere. Basically his old girlfriend died in a fire and he refused to date anyone else. But of course after knowing Bethany for a few days, he falls in love with her and the illusion of grief given to him was shattered. Honestly, you forget that his old girlfriend died in a fire till the end. It didn't add or shape his character at all, probably because he isn't a character.

Molly is the standard BFF and she's also the slut of the book. She's heavily slut shamed, obsessed with boys and prom, and that's the extent of her character and personality. She also has this super creepy crush on Gabriel (HER TEACHER) and borderline stalks him and it's… supposed to be seen as acceptable? The book never paints it in a bad light. It's really gross, if I am being honest. She's also the character used as the example of what NOT to be and is often used to bounce ideologies off. I'll get more into the ideologies of this book later, however.

Last "character" I can talk about is Jake Thorn. Yup, that's the name of the enemy. He's a demon, which isn't a spoiler because you know he is as soon as he enters the scene, and honestly he is the closest character to actually being a character. The best dialogue in this shit book actually comes from Jake and Bethany when they are together. They have the closest to an actual chemistry in this. Which is… odd and sad.

Jake is a really strange character. He's introduced and is basically described as a goth and bad boy. He's pale, has dark hair and eyes, and is thin. Oh, and he has a tattoo. Of course.

And then he basically is turned into a Nice Guy? Wears a fedora, scarf, and long coat/trench coat, feels entitled to Bethany… who he is interested in, for some reason, and doesn't accept rejection from her. Like, I didn't know you could mix a goth, a bad boy, and a Nice Guy together, but apparently you can. He's one of the strangest characters I have ever read about, and not in a good way.

Besides that, he's just… standard asshole evil. His characterization is whatever the plot demands at that time.

And that's our cast! None of them are good, interesting, or developed in the slightest, and you will hate every character for most the book. Trust me on that.

The Relationship:

I have… so much and so little to say about the relationship shown in Halo. On one hand, it's just plain instalove. You never feel like the characters are really as in love as Halo tries to convince you they are. There is absolutely no chemistry between them whatsoever, and neither of them really have hobbies beyond telling one another how much they love one another. It's almost sickening, if I am being honest. Most the book is dedicated to Xavier and Bethany's relationship, but they can't possibly have a relationship as they don't have personalities, they aren't characters. And seeing two rocks interact with one another isn't interesting. Having two rocks doesn't suddenly make them interesting! It just means you have two rocks.

On the other hand, however, there is quite a bit of your standard YA Abusive Boyfriend trope, and several other gross implications.

Xavier and Bethany's relationship is pretty standard when it comes to terrible YA books. Instalove, as I have said before, and a lack of understanding on why these characters are even together. Xavier is controlling and possessive, which is played off as being worrisome and protective. He controls who Bethany is allowed to hang out with, controls how much she eats, and there is even a part in the book where he talks for her, and this is seen as romantic.

As vile as this controlling behavior is, it's standard fare as I've said. It's prevalent in many YA books. The idea that a man will lay down his life and do anything to protect you is a romantic fantasy for many women, and many writers just don't have the skills to write something like that and have it not cross the line into just being possessive instead of protective.

Lastly, in the beginning of Halo, Bethany fretted about her and Xavier's relationship being forbidden. Now, this is common, and usually the answer given is because an angel lusts over a human, and lust is a sin. If not that, then Angel/Human relationships are banned due to the chance of birthing Nephilim children. Thing is, neither of these things really apply to Bethany, and the reason why Human and Angel romantic interaction isn't allowed is never ever brought up!

Plus, after Xavier and Bethany get together, this "forbidden romance" angle is just completely hand-waved. Look, "because God works in mysterious ways" is as good an excuse as "because magic" and that's not a reasonable excuse either! I know this is a book about angels and shit, but come on, I need a little bit of believability. If you don't wanna write and go into details about how the romance is forbidden and explore the consequences of two characters being together that aren't supposed to be together, then just don't write it. Come on. Not writing something is easier than actually writing something!

Anyways, besides this standard fare, Xavier seems to almost constantly look down at Bethany. Considering how fucking stupid she is, it's understandable, but there are implications that he looks down at her because she's a naive girl. He doesn't let her learn, he's like a hovering parent, and it's quite creepy. It's vaguely misogynistic. It's also strange because Bethany is an angel, and yet she needs some human boy to protect her? Yeah, right.

Furthermore, Xavier shoves gender roles down your throat constantly. There are multiple parts of the book where he degrades things such as literature, poetry, and makeup as being "things for girls" and neither the narration or Bethany speaks out against this. It's reinforced in this book, actually, as the only guy in this book who is shown to like poetry and literature is the villain!

The watery relationship between Xavier and Bethany is also put on a pedestal, and there are multiple times throughout this book where Bethany ditches her friends to be with Xavier, and even says that having a boyfriend is much more important than having friends. Which is… a very toxic thought. How many sayings are there that look down upon people who ditch their friends for a boy/girlfriend? It's clear Halo has never heard of the saying "chicks before dicks" or even "bros before hos." I know I have stated before that Bethany is a shitty person and is very selfish, but this is just the cherry on top. It's hard to believe she is an angel. Ditching your friends for a boy or girlfriend makes you a shitty friend, end of story.

Other little instances that make this relationship out to be toxic is that Bethany and Xavier are always around one another, and when they aren't together in a scene, Bethany whines about how she feels empty and "aches" when not with Xavier, reinforcing the idea that women need a man, which again, is misogynistic. Plus, the fact that these two are so codependent on one another, and can't do anything without one another is just… unhealthy.

Lastly, there is a huge implication throughout this book that Bethany and Xavier's romance and relationship together is more pure, more meaningful, and better than other characters' relationships because Xavier and Bethany haven't had sex yet. Which is… just bullshit and just another way this book slut shames other women for their choices, whatever they may be.

I don't understand how anyone could look at this relationship between Bethany and Xavier and think it to be healthy or romantic. I have met people who had been in similar relationships to this, and guess what? Those relationships didn't last, and turned out to be abusive.

No surprise there, though.

The Ideology:

This… book… I am hesitant to call it a book, is just trying to preach borderline evangelical Christian ideas. It has transphobic and homophobic implications, views women as being lesser than men, and is so set in its gender roles, it's absolutely creepy. It degrades "feminist ideals" such as women having choices and being independent, and all of that is all wrapped up in a story that holds no weight itself. Plus, not only is it misogynistic, it also has several examples of misandry as well, degrading men who show emotions and painting every man in this book besides Xavier and Gabriel to be these awful people who only care about sex and are potential rapists, as well as stupid to boot.

Honestly, if it wasn't for the toxic yet smug messages in this book, I wouldn't be so infuriated with it. If it was just your standard shitty YA book, I wouldn't have even finished it, and would've tossed it to the side. But unfortunately, I couldn't do that. In this book, if you are not exactly like the angels or Xavier, you are a terrible person, and deserve to be pitied. What a hateful set of ideals.

Recommendation and Final Thoughts:

I can't recommend this book to anyone, really. I mean, if you're looking for a shitty book to laugh at because it's so terrible, pick up Life and Death by Stephenie Meyer or 50 Shades of Gray, not this garbage. Hell, go google My immortal and read that. It's free.

If you are insecure to the point of tears in your writing style, and need a book to read to show you that, hey, least you're better than this, then go ahead and pick up Halo. If you need to read a book to show exactly what not to do when writing angels, then pick up and read Halo. Those two types of people are all that I can recommend this too and even then, I don't recommend reading the entire thing.

Halo is one of the worst books I have ever read, if not the worst. I had originally planned to read the entire series, and I bet there are other offensive things in the sequels, but I just can't bring myself to do it, and I am sorry about that.

Halo is one of the worst books I have ever read. It's offensive and has almost every YA cliche. 0/10, would never ever recommend.

#Halo #Book review #My Reviews #my rants #shutuplanx #i wanna apologize to mobile users who gotta scroll past this #also I hate tumblr for never keeping my formatting

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69annebowlin69 · 6 years ago

Text

25/1/19 Watching True Detective Episode Three

8.29

Woke from dream about repeating harris wittel joke to best friend in bar where i work, only best friend left halfway through me telling it, my audience turned in to this really hateful guy who works there as well and i fluffed the punchline. Called the dr for an appointment, got 10.50 w dr cummings. Text Emmy. Set alarm for 10.

10.12

Woke, feel shitty about what i ate last night. Apple core floating in one third of a glass of water. Gross. Searched Harris Wittels on podcast app, skipped first fifteen of last CBB appearence, straight to introducing himself as pontiac. Chelsea Peretti was my fav comedian in 2013, like everyone else.

10.47

Running late. Emmy text ‘what practice r u?’ I said ‘C’ she said ‘for [my name]’

10.55

Old guy at desk told me i could check in next time via the touch screens next to the door, like i’m a returning customer. Emmy whispered ‘so proud of you for coming.’ Said i love you maybe six times in half a minute.

11.02

Dr Cummings asked why i came today if it’s been so long, i mentioned Emmy, he took it and ran with it ‘it’s always when the women get involved. well, nothing new there.’

Didn’t want to go on the scale, couldnt make out the numbers and he didn’t tell me the number, just asked my height and told me my bmi was low but not alarming. Wore tracksuit bottoms because although i wanted to look serious for the drs, i didn’t want to add weight with jeans and heavy materials if it came to a weigh in. If it came to it i’d have shown him the gaunt phots from ‘thirteen. I might show them to Emmy.

Have to see a psychologist

11.17

Emmy crossed the floor with her arms out when i exited the dr’s office. Christopher’s intervention where Sil says ‘disgusting’.

5.17

Trying to remember anything from media studies to apply to the title sequence and all i can think is that uh the camera is skewed inverting the horizon transposed over Mahershala’s silhouette, denoting…that this shit is fucked up.

5.20

This title sequence is way too long. I could literally blend some kale/spinach/ginger, throw up, read that carver story where the whole family are trying to work out who the baby looks like, , ,

5.21

True Ass Detective

5.25

What i’m wasting mum’s inheritance on this week

-Adderall

-123 pounds on bed sheets in ikea how did it come to 123? Ate 1 1/2mg xanax before we went and stopped looking at the prices of the bedsheets to save time which in hindsight was not a Good Idea. Actually a Bad Idea because now i need two buses to go back and return two duvet covers that cost 30pounds apiece.

-A subscription service called Stingray Quello? I did the free trial to watch the Classic Albums on Graceland because Simon’s supposedly very problematic in it which is equally fascinating and expected, and funny? I fell asleep ten minutes in and i’ll watch the whole thing tonight but i bet i forget to cancel the subscription. I should set a reminder. I need to set a reminder to text back dad and not to eat after nine. Some people need to remind themselves to eat which is the absolute opposite of the problem I have. I would love to have to remind myself to eat. Just texts coming up telling me to have dinner because i’ve forgotten again and haven’t been calculating stupid ass numbers all day hoping they add up to less 1800.

-For 44.99 i can return to raccoon city and contract the D-virus. Yes, please!

-cancel Netlfix, keep adobe, maybe cancel WordPress, wait for dad to work out that his phone bill comes out of my direct debit and offer to pay it himself

5.26

everyone’s always got diseases. Mil has completed the Guarm section of the Cowboy Game and just discovered the cowboy has TB. He said Arthur Morgan is one of the most important characters in modern culture; I have to agree, although Mil’s version hasn’t got the long hair or the moustache-stubble or even the bear hat.

5.30

In the parking lot of a Walgreen’s in Big Bear i had the second worst instance of fear ever. We asked the motel receptionist for the nearest pharmacy and missed the exit twice. There are videos of us waking up and her talking in Spanish. There are videos of us in Joshua Tree drinking warm Tecate and saying i love you out of rote. She said you couldn’t get pregnant on your period but i was in the headspace where you question/google everything instead of trusting yourself/anyone. She remembered it was Sunday, went to fetch a bible from the car, which i didn’t know she had, and recited old testament; i read the first one and a half google results and dressed myself from the open boot of her car. Some woman asked ‘where you goin?’, like flirting.

The wolf hat we bought the night before from a liquor store that had a fun hats section. Like a stuffed wolf toy, but only it’s head and stuck to a skip cap, fur pouring over the sides, enveloping the whole head - fun! the scanner wire wouldn’t stretch to her head, she bent so the cashier could ring it up along with 12 more Tecate.

The toilet we met in, in which we met, was like two cubicles at a time and mine had Bernie stickers all over it. we were being sick at the same time, she hd acid reflux and i said that’s what i had as well. She couldn’t eat meals we never finished a meal together no siree not one, in the space of fifteen meals we either didn’t order or moved stuff around on the plate til it looked like less than it did before. She couldn’t keep anything down and disappeared to the bathroom for minutes at a time and then i would, too.

At Walgreens i’d decided that actually she was hoaxing me, that her saying i love you and wanting to come out here in the first place, us leaving in the dead of night, wanting to get married and crying when i didn’t must have been like a series of jokes to her. She said ‘you want it so you ask’ at the counter and the woman couldn’t understand so she took over, the bear hat bobbing with her rhythms. We left once with the plastic case that you need scissors to cut and i went back in for the scissors. She swallowed with warm water from her trunk, made a face. Her reflux was bubbling. She was in the Walgreens toilet for a long time and then, like Mahershala, we went back to the motel to fuck, and got drunk again and i decided it wasn’t just a joke again, until we got so drunk that she crashed the car driving back in on the 105. Wedging all the empty cans underneath our seats before the highway patrol got to our window was number one worst fear i ever had.

5.33

Hi i’m stephen dorff and this is Interrogation

*jackass theme*

5.34

Ok things i know from the first two and a half eps:

The nerds were into dungeons and dragons

1980, 1990, 2015

My dad turned me against shows where police are the audience surrogate when we watched Zodiac or something else earnest w Mark Ruffalo. My dad: not into police. One time he got very angry when i questioned how anarchistic he was when he implemented a hard bed-time of 10pm. Like maybe the most i managed to intentionally rile him. I was trying to watch Die Hard 2 in bed and invoked the 10pm curfew and questioned why i wanted to watch a film about a copy anyway. But yeah, it’s tough to get behind any of these characters. They’re portrayed as flawed, but lovingly, like you can tell we’re supposed to appreciate their flawed masculinity or whtever.

Pizzolato is AT LEAST a moderate republican, maybe not a Trump guy on a good day, but probably into Paul Ryan.

Dorff’s wig is off-putting

The fellas will return to the house above Devil’s Den

The first two episodes were the best shot. Some of the scenes in the mist at twilight as the police searched the fields were eerie and unsettling. Since then it’s been kinda rote stuff, no flashes. Maybe that helps in establishing the story, but the pace has been slow as hell and could use something fancy to support it.

I do not care about these kids nor who killed/abducted them.

Dorff gets shot at some point. He calls Hays ‘killer’ soo….

5.51

Brown sedan, white suit, some guy with a scar. Dorff demanding two fingers of soco and talking about his dick is funny but not in the way intended.

5.55

Annoyed at whatever the song on Rhythm of the Saints is where he says ‘i was drinking herbal brew’ grow the fuck up

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the-cryptographer · 8 years ago

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v f

Thank you so much for the ask! ;^;Also, sorry, these are extra long emblematik. I tried to double answer on them because I got double asked on both of them.

For the Fanfic Ask Game. Send me stuff if you haven’t already.(Or send me stuff if you have already. Not picky.)

V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) toany fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Although I often am inspired to write in response to the themesand tropes in other people’s fanfic, I don’t often think of doing directsequels or prequels.

(For some reason though, I thought of As Clever Does (Harry Potter) I thinkit was a pretty clever bunch of snippets. I wouldn’t mind continuing the linewith a couple more. Also it may havealso started my interest in Pansy and Luna interacting further, which is kindof a thing in my drafts for Built Out of Whole Cloth, so maybe I’ve already startedwriting a sequel to it in that sense, heh.)

OKAY, but here’s a realexception. And, even more amazingly, I might actually write it:Since Animomactually put out an open challenge for sequels to Snowblind (ygo), I kinda gave thething too much thought and ended up with a plot, and told her about it. Andsince I think it could also kind of work as a standalone with some minimalexplaining I might do it.

The gist of Snowblind is that Kaiba and Jounouchi pile ontoan airplane after something happens to Yuugi. And then the plane crashes in amountain snowstorm and Kaiba has severe eye trauma. And then they bitch at eachother and make moves on each other (while quite possibly being steeped in regret for not making moveson the people they actually liked) as they huddle together to stave off impendinghypothermia. Then they may or may not die. (It’s a really good fic, btw.)

I think the ambiguous ending does more for the fic than anyconclusion could- But, during the fic, Kaiba says, ‘Blind and alive would bepathetic, but blind and dead won’t matter,’ which is just tempting fatesadistic authors, lbr. It wouldn’t necessarily be a continuation in a thematickind of sense, but just following from the concrete series of events laid outin Snowblind I thought it could be fun. Me in comments section:

I admit I kind of considered doing a [sequel], followingfrom Mokuba being on the case of saving them. Something where Kaiba was blindand Jou was a couple toes short, and Kaiba had hooked his sensory system up toa kind of constantly updated virtual reality that was synched with camerasaround his office and house. And then Jou kind of bursts into his life andforces him not to be a shut-in and drags him outside and out of bounds of hisvirtual reality sensor field. And probably Yuugi’d still be around andeveryone’s uncomfortably unsure about how everyone else feels.

I think I wrote this thinking it would theoretically be a JouKaific, since it was based on one. But tbh I’m kind of feeling now that it wouldwork better as a friendship fic with some other ship (rival? polar? buddy?) onthe side. JouKai as friends that slept with each other once in extreme (andextremely awkward) circumstances is honestly just about as good as foreverromance JouKai. I (friend)ship it.

Anyhow, I still don’t know if I’ll write it but, yeah~

On an unrelated note, do you know what needs a sequel, emblematik?Your sightshipping drabble. I would read all the fic about Isis and her babyhaving brunch with Pegasus. Love it~

F: Share a snippet from one of your favouritedialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

From Missed Signals, Lost Lines(pkmn)

“Silph’s using you, you moron!”Green shouts. “Team Rocket paid them off, and now that the Silph bigwigs havecashed their checks and realised what a shit deal they got, they’re using youas leverage. As a fucking bargaining chip.”

Pikachu sparks dangerously, inwarning, and Green withdraws his hands.

But it’s enough to get a riseout of Red.

“So that’s what?!” Red shouts.“Just now leave?! We walked out?! Letting Rockets now do what they want?! Theysteals! Killing!”

“No, that’s not what I meant!”Green protests. “Fuck Team Rocket, and everything they do, it’s just…”

Green sighs. “You can’t fightthem here, on their terms. This is bigger than just you and me. You can’t Red.You…”

Red ignores him. He chargesforward.

Green reaches out to grab hishand and yank him back, ignoring Pikachu’s warning sparks.

“Stop, Red!” he commands. Thenhis voice goes soft. “Your Pokémon could get hurt. Seriously hurt. And…you. You could get hurt Red.”

Red huffs, because he knows hisPokémon are strong at this point. Giovanni can’t touch him.

Green feels Red’s disaffection,though. And he reacts to it.

“Dammit, Red!” he flares up. “IfI tried to go traipsing off to Unova, you’d stop me! Wouldn’t you?! Or at leastyou’d come w-”

Green stops abruptly. He letsgo of Red and steps back. He raises his hand to his head and laughs bitterly.

Red feels the steady tug on hisheartstrings, softening his hard expression. He wants to tell Green he’llfollow him to Unova or Kalos or anywhere in the world, if he has to.

The impulse is too weak,though. And it’s not true, besides.

Red doesn’t say anything.

Green has his eyes covered withone hand.

“No. Never mind. You’re right.How would I know what the fuck you’d do?” Green spits.

That’s not what I said, Red thinks.

Green swings his arm down offhis face and grins.

“Fine. So, you are readyfor Boss Rocket!” Green says. “Well, Red! I’m moving on up and ahead! AmI a genius or what? I’m going to the Pokémon League toboot out the Elite Four! I’ll become the world’s most powerful Trainer!And you can do whatever you want. Don’t sweat it!”

Okay, maybe this exchange is an odd one to choose forseveral reasons

Red barely talks.

When Red does talk – broken English, because languagedisorder fic.

I didn’t even write that last line of dialogue. It’s lifteddirectly from the game text.

But it’s maybe because I’m working around all those thingsthat makes me like it. I feel like there’s a clear sense of a back and forth –action and reaction – between the characters, and even in how Pikachu does and doesn’t intervene.And I think that’s captured even despite the fact that only Green is reallytalking.

It was also a strange because the context and tone of thefinal quote isn’t very well established in the game itself, so distorting itinto this really sarcastic context in a way that made sense made me prettyhappy.

And also this conversation marked the first real break inGreen’s arrogant/cocky façade in the fic, and writing the way his anger andconcern radiated out beyond his control felt really significant and I hope Icaptured that well. I like the next big dialogue scene with Green, right afterRed defeats him at the Indigo Plateau, for the same kind of reason.

…

But, idk, sorry emblematik, Iknow you probably care more about ygo. I really liked a lot of the dialogue fromthe Wepet Renpet SetoKisa drabble. From Set’s conversation with Isis:

Set turned his head down.“That’s not what I-” He huffed and abruptly steered the conversation around.“Why is it, Isis, that you must always butt your nose into my affairs?!”

“Well, it’snot as if you butt into my affairs,” Isis said. “If I didn’t do it, what elsewould we talk about then?”

It would have been an easystatement to rebuff, had Isis made it to anyone other than Set. He frowned,crossed his arms, and returned to staring moodily at Kisara.

“Ooooh, I’vehad enough of this!” Mana announced. She stuffed the last of her cake loaf intoher mouth, pushed the rest of the bowl away, and licked the crumbs off herthumb. She stood abruptly and swallowed heavily before speaking. “I’ll takecare of this!” She jumped up on one foot, winked cheerfully, and began to skiparound the table.

Sorry, Iknow I’m not funny but the idea of Isis calling out Set on the basis of himbeing not nosy enough and being uninterested in her affairs (read:self-absorbed) just really gets me giggling. And Mana’s dialogue was alsoreally fun to write.

Also I think the combined conversation between Mana, Set, Atem,and Kisara later on also came out astoundingly well. I wouldn’t say it’s my best work,but just-

Anytime I get more than four characters into the same conversationtogether it becomes really, reallyhard to decide who speaks up when and how much. And, naturally, there arecharacters you want to focus on, and it’s hard to decide if it’s natural forthem to be one of the louder voices in the conversation, or if you’re shuttingthe other characters up too much. Anyhow, I find it so difficult, I can’t helpbut be proud even with passable attempts at group dialogue.

Thank you for reading~

#the process #my writing #ask #haha i chose a bad time to post an ask meme yesterday #right afterwards there was a blackout and the wifi cut out and then i went out with friends etc etc

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thephonecops · 8 years ago

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Episode Notes | S1E1, Pilot pt. 1

Here we are, at the beginning of these proper episode notes! It’s worth- well, noting, if you’ll pardon the redundancy, that in these early season one episodes… I believe it’s the first eight or so- things are a bit rocky. We’re going to talk about that a fair bit, as we come to these situations, but the important thing is to note that a lot of the character notes I make in these early episodes are merely going to be speculative, because the characters change a lot in these early bits. Also worth noting, is that this early section of season one is not an ensemble show. It’s starring Gordon Jump and Gary Sandy, and everyone else isn’t even in every episode. They also feature the long revered but admittedly lengthy opening credits, which you can watch here, if you don’t happen to have the DVDs on hand as some of us do.

I will also try to mention what music is playing when, if I know it, but even though I listen to a LOT of classic rock, I’m afraid I’m not the greatest at recognizing it when I don’t already know it and the great “identify the song that’s playing” feature of my phone can’t help me when there’s dialogue over the music. SO. I will do my best but no promises.

OKAY. SO. Pilot episode, part one.

This would be an opportune time to discuss the history of the creation of WKRP, but I kinda wanna save that post for another day. It isn’t really something that’s part of the episode notes anyway, so we’ll skip that bit for now. Instead, we’ll talk about just the episode itself and the introductions of the characters and the overall plot.

The plot here is that the worst radio station in Cinci has hired (yet another) program director, who is Andy Travis. He is coming in for the first time today. And of course, he is the straight man to all the nuts at the station, the normal guy from the outside, and the original plan was to have him be our eyes to the station, to tell the stories from his point of view- which is of course, a mistake, and why the show later became officially an ensemble situation.

This is a typical sitcom plot where we have a new person, and they go around and meet everyone in the new place- an overused but very useful (and I feel still very useable) trope for meeting the characters of a new location or show or what have you.

We open on this one, on Jennifer tending to the plants in the lobby. While I believe there are always at least some plants in the lobby (I guess if I’m wrong we’ll find out in the future now won’t we), I don’t think Jennifer is so into them in later episodes. I don’t even think there are any plants in Jennifer’s apartment. But in these early season episodes, she is very protective of the plants and she spends a lot of time…..with them, if I may word it like that, and I honestly think that the writers not quite knowing what to do with Jennifer begins here on day one.

Also, the music the show opens with (not the theme, I’m talking when Jennifer is tending the flora and fauna), is perhaps the least WKRP sounding music I’ve ever heard in my life and it’s honestly sort of amusing. But also weird.

Herb is introduced second, in all his sexist glory, and I must say how clear it is that he developed a lot in this first season. He is played very stereotypically sleazy in this episode, especially, and his clothes- while still in bad taste, are actually pretty classy. For Herb.

For a man that wears a giant blue and white checkerboard suit with a matching tie later in the series.

(Click the read more to view the full notes for this episode!)

They also establish that he’s married here, and it almost feels like they did it just for the laughs- once again, he’s played sleazy here, not totally but definitely more so than later in the series, and it seems apparent to me that they didn’t plan on analyzing why this married man can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife, as they (sort of) do in later episodes.

Also, “would you like to meet Bert Convy in person”. Herb's concept of impressing women is by introducing them to game show hosts. Need I say more?

Next up, in walks our temporary star, Andy. His stereotype is also immediately enforced, as is everyone’s on this show. He’s a cowboy, from Santa Fe, and the Big Guy hired him on the phone.

Speaking of the Big Guy, another bit of odd characterization is Jennifer’s last descriptor- “the jerk who runs this place.” Now, we all know Mr. Carlson and we all know that is a very unfitting description of the man. Regardless, I think it is a simple joke. I don’t think the plan was ever for it to describe Carlson, because for all the off character traits of the early episodes, that is not one of them.

Les is also immediately established, with a character trait that sticks with him forever- “award winning farm reports”. I think this is a joke about Cincinnati, but it will of course very quickly become a joke about Les and his obsession with hogs.

We also learn a crucial bit of information- “the last program director lasted 30 minutes before the Big Guy fired him.” Yet another strangely harsh precursor to the Big Guy’s entrance, because regardless of what people say about him, he is never played like a jerk.

Jennifer sets up the idea that Herb is “dying for some steamy one night stand”, which I think is interesting because as we will learn later… he isn’t, not really, but perhaps she just uses him as something to bounce the idea off of to test Andy.

I still don’t get the setup from the other characters, who surely know better, but it seems like Mr. Carlson is perhaps putting on airs to try and seem like “the jerk who runs this place” so that if he has to fire Andy, maybe it’ll help him have the guts to. But I wouldn’t think Jennifer, Herb or Les would be fooled, and I also don’t think Les would be capable of doing a proper job of acting to convince Andy. So. Not sure about that stuff, but as for the Big Guy himself, you can see his act fall away when he says, “Ooh! Do you think that’s wise?” in response to Andy telling him he quit his job in Santa Fe.

The introduction of Mama being verbal, but not having her in the first half of the pilot, is an interesting choice that allows the imagination to run rampant, and I like it.

Then of course, comes the immortal introduction of Johnny Caravella- Johnny Midnight, Johnny Duke, Johnny Cool, Johnny Style, and Johnny Sunshine- But not yet Johnny Fever. The coffee keeps in sharp as a tack.

I do find Johnny’s failure to realize who and where he is and to stay awake, is an odd thing, because it goes away in the second episode. Perhaps we are to believe that he’s cured of that with the format change- but he does it one more time at the end of this episode, so perhaps not. Either way, that’s another character trait they didn’t keep.

And now the farm thing with Les quickly becomes a hog thing, as he shows up fresh off the air with the hog futures. (“hogs have futures, I don’t”) and in comes another trait for Les that I don’t remember him as having, and which I honestly don’t think he keeps after the pilot: Being a suck up. Of course, Herb is always a suck up, because he’s Herb, and we see that in this scene too, but the reason is, they were both up for Andy’s job.

Speaking of Andy’s job, what better poster could he unroll that would make the audience release a collective gasp, than a KISS poster? It’s no secret what he’s planning to do.

The next character we meet is Bailey, in the booth with Johnny, where we get to see Johnny Caravella in action- and then the format change.

Johnny thinks he’s a little too old for this rock n roll stuff. He wants andy to find someone “about fifteen years younger.” He sees himself as past his prime, and he seems to have accepted it. But being convinced of the idea, and doing it, elicts an incredible change in Johnny- it’s like watching him come to life. And, of course, the moniker of Dr. Johnny Fever is born.

We’ll probably discuss this more in later episode notes, but Johnny was a breakout character, and MTM had to do some damage control to keep him from taking it over, because by then they had decided the show would do best as an ensemble piece and that’s how it would stay.

Another interesting thing I want to note before we get to the action packed wrap up of this half of the pilot, is the ships. We know right away that the NoTP of the show is Jennifer and Herb, but possible OTPs include Johnny and Bailey. However, it does seem that they’re lowkey pushing an Andy and Bailey thing here too. Kinda like they were thinking of some kind of triangle situation. Which, obviously that is never realized, but I do find it interesting (and it is worth mentioning that it’s not hard to find Andy/Bailey fic around lol).

SO. The wrap up. In bursts Mr. Carlson, ready to promote Herb (Herb and Les bail on Andy right away to support the Big Guy, back to that I-knew-Herb-was-professional-butt-kisser-but-why-is-Les-behaving-this-way thing) and fire Andy because Mama Carlson heard the station three days in and she is upset.

Mrs. Carlson is played by Sylvia Sydney here, but for some reason after the pilot she is always played by Carol Bruce. Now, I love Carol Bruce, but of course she is a less believable age if Arthur is indeed over 40, as he proclaims in a later episode.

Regardless, Mama comes in, demanding to to know what is going on, and the Big Guy is generating all sorts of stories for her. But the sway of money and the first sign of a backbone she’s ever seen in her son, convince her to allow the hijinks to continue- “for a while.”

The final introduction- Venus Flytrap comes in just in time to elict one of the biggest eyerolls I’ve ever seen from Mama Carlson. He’s presented as, and pardon my use of the possibly inappropriate term, a bit of a jive turkey in early episodes like this one, and it’s played straight. But when Hugh Wilson, creator of the show, sat down with Tim Reid (who plays Venus) to work on this stuff, it is later revealed that it’s mostly an act from Venus, who is far from that stereotype.

We close on a beautiful shot of Mr. Carlson not understanding kids these days as he and his briefcase wander somewhat forlornly down the hall, past the booth, and Venus does his inaugural nighttime show.

All in all, I say this is a good pilot, and if I just….. Saw it and nothing else I think I would be interested to see more. I’m not sure if this is the pilot for the same show we all know and love, as I said, because so many small details are going to change very rapidly, but such is the way with pilots.

I’d rate this, keeping in mind that it’s a pilot, a solid 7/10.

Stay tuned for more (hopefully shorter) episode notes as we get farther into the world of WKRP!

#noticing things that aren't even there #WKRP #WKRP in Cincinnati #words from the fangirl #Season One #PILOT EP Y'ALL

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sean-likes-movies-blog · 6 years ago

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Love, Simon and my first review (ᵔᴥᵔ)

(No Spoilers btw)

There’s a horrible trend in movies right now. And before I say what it is I’m going to need you to have an open mind because I know it’s something that most people feel so strongly about they don’t even stop to consider whether they are being misguided. But I’m just gonna come out (hehe) and say it... Call Me by Your Name was an ok movie at best.

Now I know what you’re thinking... “I loved it! You’re wrong! Call Me by Your Name is a universally beloved film! Just look at the IMBD score!” And you may be right, it may actually be a great movie. But I just found it to be so... incredibly... boooring. I was constantly resisting the urge to go on my phone and look at something more exciting. I even watched it twice because clearly I must be missing something, everyone tells me it’s amazing! But it just kept putting in a comatose state. (Also, I know Oliver is meant to be 24 but he looks so old and that just made the whole romance feel super creepy #PedoVibes)

It was funny, a few months ago I joined a conversation with some fellow films students (two gay guys and a girl) as they were praising the film. “Ohmygod it’s so good” “The music is insane!” “I bet it’s gonna win so many Oscars!” “Yeah, I actually found it to be... kind boring” I interjected expected roaring backlash. “Right!” “Yeah I thought so too” “It took me two days to watch the whole thing.” So I came to the conclusion that the only reason it is so popular is because Timothée Chalamet is a fucking dreamboat! (Especially in Lady Bird)

No I really came to the conclusion it’s “good” simply because it celebrates being gay. And that makes me sad. Doing what I do I know so many amazing people with wonderful and tragic stories that deserve to be explored in exciting ways! Anyway when I saw the trailer for Love, Simon I giggled like a schoolgirl at the concept of a comedy film about a closeted kid.

So I just finished watching it about 20 minutes ago (In future I’ll try to watch a movie at least twice before doing a review) and I kinda liked it. I didn’t love it, like it’s not the best movie ever but I enjoyed for what it was: A fucking teen movie! Holy shit the first 20 minutes of the film I wanted to rip my hair out at that cheesy fucking dialogue! THE FUCKING DIALOGUE! There’s an interaction with his mom near the beginning where I just wanted to yell; “NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT” anyway you get over it pretty quickly and then you can kinda start enjoying the movie.

So the plot follows Simon who, you guessed it, is a closeted guy in his last year of high school. A blog post on this website, called Creek’s Secrets, where (and I’m sorry is this really a real thing in America?) students from the school can post gossip about other students and make the little rants, confessions or whatever their hearts desire for the whole school to see, reveals that there is another closeted gay kid at school, who calls himself blue. Simon and blue become pen pals when *gasp the inciting incident* this geeky guy sees Simon’s emails and threatens to out him if he doesn’t help him get a girlfriend... Yip, it’s a teen movie.

This results in Simon engaging in all sorts of cooky shenanigans to influence the love lives of his friends, all while continuing his correspondence with Blue, trying to figure out who he may be.

There are a lot of Cringy moments in Love, Simon. Like, a lot. And what filmmakers love doing is exploiting the fact that when something cringy happens in film, that cringe transports itself through the screen into the audience. There this one scene that is absolutely painful to watch and seems to last forever! But I guess that encapsulates young love right? Just a string of cringy moments.

Now the ending, the big climax. Personally I was able to predict it but I wouldn’t say it’s predictable. Though I do have a pretty big problem with it. The movie, for a brief moment ignores the moral high ground it tried to establish just a few scenes earlier in a ‘if our protagonist can do it then it’s fine. If you don’t know what I’m talking about I’ll explain now. WARNING: SPOILERS. PROCEED TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH TO CONTINUE THIS SPOILER FREE REVIEW. Simon yells at Martin for taking away his choice in coming out but then emotionally blackmails Bram into coming out. Yeah yeah Bram did come foreword in his own free will but because he was feeling the cringe we were of seeing Simon on the ferris wheel alone and not necessarily because he wanted to. Oh and one more small gripe now that we’re in the spoiler section. The fact that they’re gradating soon is mentioned multiple times throughout the movie but never comes to fruition. The movie ends on ‘17 days till graduation’. So like, they don’t really get to have their high school romance? also, why does nothing happen to homophobic principle and those two kids? Probably some deep reflection of society bullshit.

In the end though, despite the cringy dialogue, Love, Simon left me with a warm feeling inside. It’s a feel-good movie while also telling an important story and bringing to light serious topics in a manner that in bound to open up discussion and broaden perspectives. Though I find myself being able to take teen movie’s less and less seriously because as you grow older you find that most of the issues dealt with in these films really don’t matter in the real world (Yes I know they matter to teens, that’s why it’s a teen movie). Yet I find this movie to far more progressive than Call Me by Your Name as it tell a far more grounded and relatable story (I don’t know about you, but I don’t have too many mysterious students staying with me and my family for the summer) while keeping it light and entertaining.

Overall I gve Love, Simon a 7/10. Still can’t get over that teen movie dialogue ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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venus-says · 4 years ago

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Yes! Pretty Cure 5 GoGo Episodes 13-24

Forget about everything, this is an Urara fan account now.

Part 2 of the GoGo reviews, reaching the mid-point of the season. And I honestly don't know where to start?

Like, I'm still enjoying the season and they had some pretty good episodes in this portion I'm covering now, but different from the beginning where it seemed like there was a pretty good and coherent 12-episodes arc happening, it didn't feel like we had this progression in here. Which it doesn't necessarily hurt the series, it just hurts me because I don't know how to tackle this post since there's not much of a linear thing going on. XD Probably the only linear thing going on is the mystery about Syrup's past and how we have his arc developing, and that is pretty good, don't get me wrong, but if I would write a post based on that I would be talking about only 4 or 5 episodes out of 12. XD

When thinking about these episodes we can kinda separate them into four groups, we have four fairy tale episodes, six episodes focused for each one of the main girls, two episodes for the bigger picture, and one episode that is completely disconnected from everything and it's definitely the low point of this section and of the season so far.

Going on first at the stand-alone episode, Episode 17. The reason why I don't like this episode it's because it's one of those episodes where a famous comedian does a cameo on the show, and I honestly don't know who thought it was a good idea to make these a thing. These cameos should be just cameos, not an entire episode focused on this comedian, who most definitely isn't what the targeted audience consumes or wants to consume, so there's not an actual reason to put them there for more than a couple of scenes in the first place. Not even to mention how awkward it is having them trying to dub their characters, at least for the guy in this episode if felt like he was not comfortable at all while saying his lines, it was just a pretty bad experience.

But moving on, at the beginning of this second act, a new general of Eternal is introduced and thanks to her we have a series of episodes that watching them from the future seems like were ideas of episodes for Smile Precure. XD And I really like the addition of Shibiretta and her powers of creating these pocket dimensions or so based on fairy tales and storybooks because it helps to break a little of the usual stuff we would see happening just in their city and it's a pretty decent change of pace, I also like how she works by dividing the team because we can see more of their dynamics like this and it's all just very fun.

Like, my favorite episode of these is the episode focused on Komachi and Karen where they're brought in to the world of Hansel and Gretel with Nozomi and they end up captured in the candy house, but together Karen and Komachi get to trick Shibiretta into leaving them alone which gives Nozomi the chance of getting to the house and helping them escape, and it's just so clever and so fun at the same time, is amazing. I also love the creative ways in which they used Emerald Saucer and Sapphire Arrow in the episode, I feel like precure doesn't do that enough with attacks that have a stock footage for them so whenever that happens it always makes me very happy. And speaking of creative powers, can we talk about how versatile Mint is? Like, she's a defensive cure on her core, but in this season we've seen her attacking, defending, and giving support with her attack that is technically just a green circle thing, it's so amazing and it proves that defensive cures can work outside just creating barriers and we need more cures like her.

The character-focused episodes were a bit of a hit or miss, Urara had an excellent episode but the other girls didn't have the same luck. Nozomi's episode where she tutors Rin's siblings was pretty good and marked a very important step for her considering her dream of becoming a teacher, and it was very sweet in a lot of moments, but they added stuff in there with Syrup and Coco that didn't feel like it belonged in that episode and thus brings it down a little. Rin is kinda funny and tragic at the same time because she's the only one to get two episodes, but since them are so focused on her friendship with Nozomi and since Nozomi has such a huge presence both episodes end up being more about Nozomi than Rin so we still don't get a lot of her. Komachi's episode was cute but also a bit forgettable because I feel like they didn't use to the fullest the concept of her being concerned for her sister's future. Karen's episode also suffers from this, I feel like since they shared her episode with the Urashima Taro tale her conflict of not being able to tell her parents about her plans for the future ends up being put in the back and the episode loses itself on that a little bit. And Kurumi's episode fails because it's supposed to be the episode where her identity is revealed, but since it was pretty obvious that Kurumi is Milk the episode doesn't work in the way they thought it should.

As I mentioned Urara's episode is the only one to stand out here. First, because of the technical parts, the composition of the scenes, the use of colors and lighting, it's all very beautiful, and while the drawings and the animation aren't perfect all the time, they invested where they should and all keen scenes are a delight to the eyes. I also really like the plot of the episode, this episode is for both Urara and Syrup, but different from the episodes for Rin and Nozomi, here it feels like a more equal thing, you know? This episode is to show Syrup that affection, support, and caring for people can come in different ways, not just the obvious ones, just as much as this episode is to show how Urara's dream is hard for her to achieve but because it's so important to her she holds to it and she gains strength for keep pushing forward in order to reach it. Also putting this one in conjunction with episode 4 we can see they're drawing a relationship between Syrup and Urara, I don't know how much the show wants it to be romantic because we didn't have much about it yet, but if they want to go this route I feel like it's a pairing that I can buy, both because they seem to regulate in age and they also had this thing being developed slowly, different from Coco X Nozomi and Nuts x Komachi. Also Urara's song this time around is way better than her old song.

Now for the big picture, the things of the major plot. While we had only two episodes dedicate to moving this plot forward (23 and 24) we had small bits of this happening here and there. To begin in episode 13 we have established that Syrup is not native from the Palmier Kingdom and he has no memories of his life before getting there, which becomes important for the plot of episodes 23 and 24 to happen. Then in episode 14 King Doughnuts suddenly isn't bound to the pact anymore, he goes back to his kingdom, and in the next episode we're greeted with the next monarch, Queen Bavarois, who's more or less just used as a joke but that finally gave the girls the ability to use their phone-like transformation devices as a communication tool in episode 19. The final things to appear before episodes 23 and 24 is Syrup's quarrel with Coco and the crown of the Palmier Kingdom appearing out of nowhere to them.

And it's in that last part where most of my problems of this part reside, because while Syrup was always bickering Coco it was never so aggressive, so mean spirited as it happened in episode 22 and it felt out of place there. I think they missed putting the thing that flipped the switch and make Syrup really angry at Coco and with how he was acting so it would make the anger feel justifiable and would make the events of episodes 23 and 24 have more impact.

And speaking of those two episodes, while they were a pretty good climax for the mid of the season it also felt like some of the things that happened there shouldn't have happened at this moment but in the climax for the end of the season instead. More specifically Syrup and Coco meeting the Director and out of this encounter we getting a resolution for Coco and Syrup's relationship, a hint that Syrup has a relation with the Director and a hint that the Director and Flora also have a thing. Maybe not for Coco and Syrup, but it felt like it was too early to drop the hints, if not too early I think it got shoved way into our faces. Like, the big bad guy who's supposed to be very powerful just let Coco and Syrup go because he was shocked when he listened to Flora's name, it's already weird that the dude didn't move a finger when Syrup gets into the room with the Rose Pact on hand, then he flinches with the mention of Flora and then afterward we have a scene of him thinking of her making it obvious that there's more here, it wasn't a flinch that could pass as if it was nothing as if it was a case of "he hates her" or "his nemesis was mentioned", the way they presented it made it look very obvious that there was a previous relationship here, and if that's the case I feel like it would be more beneficial if we had this information closer to the final episodes. But we still have half of the season to go so maybe they'll work that on in a longer way for the next episodes.

My final problem with this whole thing is just how useless they made Nuts be, like he was left behind in the human world when everyone else was sent to Eternal, and at the end Coco summons the power of the crown by himself and it's framed like he's being crowned as the one and only king. It feels like Nuts was downgraded to one of the Monarchs that transformed themselves into Palmins because at this point that's how much relevant he has been, heck at this time his screen time is probably just as big as Doughnut and Bavarois, it's ridiculous. Not to mention that there's only one crown and we should technically have two kings, but they mentioned the crown was lost when the kingdom was first attacked so that's at least justifiable, but it shows just how they don't care for him at all and makes me question why is he still here, like if he's not gonna do anything here at least send him back to the Palmier Kingdom, you know?

But in any case, with the power of the crown, the cures got new weapons and a new group attack, AND I LOVE THEM. I LOOOOOOVEthe fleurets, it's one of my favorite precure weapons ever, I love their design, it's pretty much a lightsaber but gay and I love everything about it, and I also think it's pretty cool how the names of each Fleuret reflects their attacks from season one. And while the CGI roses they use are a bit odd, I love how in the attack they look like knights' stances, I know they're not really knights but there's something very Three Musketeers going on in the imagery, like if they were a royal guard of sorts, which it's pretty cool considering this power-up came from the crown of a king so it has this extra special feeling.

And that pretty much does it for now, GoGo has been a very strong and very consistent season so far, I'm loving talking about it, no joke, this is one of the few instances where I sit down to write and everything just flows naturally, it's being a joy not just to watch but also to write about it. But these are just my feelings, let me know what you think of these episodes in specific or your feelings about GoGo in general, I'll love to read them. Stay healthy, stay safe, never stop resisting, thank you so so much for reading, and until the next time. See-ya, everyone~

#Yes! Pretty Cure 5 GoGo #Yes! PreCure 5 GoGo #precure

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theworstbob · 7 years ago

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yellin’ at songs: weeks 28 & 29

thoughts on the songs that debuted on the billboard charts of 7.19.1997, 7.26.1997, 7.21.2007, 7.28.2007, 7.22.2017, and 7.29.2017.

spoiler: that too many songs

Week Twenty-Eight

7.19.1997

17) "Gotham City," by R. Kelly

There is nothing of value to be said here, especially by me, who enabled the monster for so long. There is nothing in this song that could justify the lives he's ruined. I hope his body rots worse than his soul.

19) "Whatever," by En Vogue

This is a lovely palette cleanser! A fairly groovy R&B tune by a known entity, not particularly deep and focused solely on being a joy to listen to. Washes the bad taste of the men we watched do harm right out of our mouths, and it leaves us ready to dive back into music we like from uncomplicated humans who DON'T have actual sex slaves!

47) "Take it to the Streets," by Rampage ft./Billy Lawrence

This was pretty okay. Rampage is Busta Rhymes' cousin, so that's neat for him. What a boon that must have been for him in his career. I -- I'm sorry, the big 1997 project is over, and now 1997 is just a fact of everyday life and not a fun treat for us, and now everything feels like an obligation instead of a delight. Or maybe these songs are just enh, I don't know, anyway, next we have a selection off a shitty rock band's worst album, hoo boy, really getting excited for 1997's first week as a YAS regular.

57) "Last Night on Earth," by U2

This is a U2 single. They made a video for it. They have a VEVO and an official account, a U2be if you will, and that music video they made for this song is on neither. All I can find are unofficial uploads. The views on these uploads don't appear to crack the 500,000-view barrier. Even people who LIKE U2, whose job or hobby involves promoting and sharing U2's music would rather not think about this song. Nor should they, it's a dumb song no one should like, but man, if people who like this dumb band aren't into it, what hope did this song have with me?

70) "Four Leaf Clover," by Abra Moore

I shouldn't be the one to feel the instinct to teleport on seeing an Abra, but here we are. 1997 picked a hell of a week to have its worst week, y'all. I timed this poorly.

79) "When You Talk About Love," by Patti LaBelle

A fun way to set expectations for a song is to see what other auto-complete results pop up when searching for the song. One of the ones for this was "zumba." I can hear that. This is a song fast enough to exercise to, but doesn't go hard enough to inspire you to do actual exercise, you just stay with the DVD you found at Target with the fun name. I feel like I should be more into a Patti LaBelle song than I currently am, but I am for some reason in no mood to 1997 right now! It's head of the class but not graduating with honors.

83) "Up Jumps the Boogie," by Magoo & Timbaland ft./Aaliyah & Missy Elliott

It's interesting that Billboard gave Magoo top billing over Timbaland! It's weird that I never hear Magoo brought up when they talk about Timbaland, but I'm excited to h -- wait. ...Wait, is that... OK, no, okay, Magoo? Magoo. You had to know you were awful at this, right? You had to know you had no chance to succeed, that you would be transcended. Oh, Magoo, I am so sorry that this is your life. Anyway, Timbaland! This is dope. I have my issues with Timbaland's sound in 2007, but Timbaland is yet to drown in excess, this track has a nice build to it, and I have enough nostalgia that I am willing to forgive any amount of Magoo if it means a Timbaland/Missy collaboration. But Magoo is just unbelievably bad. They made a version of this song without him, right? It'd be a travesty if they didn't. Like, Magoo is keeping this song out of the Top 20.

91) "I Say a Little Prayer," by Diana King

I bet a "Say a Little Prayer" cover had some novelty value before American Idol kind of ruined covers of standards for the rest of the world. Like, I've heard enough versions of "Say a Little Prayer" in this lifetime that I didn't need this reggae version intercut with scenes from a romantic comedy. She does have another single called "Shy Guy," though. She and I have the same favorite Super Mario Bros. 2 enemy! That's one thing I got. Ugh, heck next week, TAKE ME 2007. I AM READY TO LOVE YOU AGAIN. TAKE ME INTO Ywhat do you mean "love theme from transformers"

7.21.2007

68) "You Know What It Is," T.I. ft./Wyclef Jean

T.I. claims, "I had the album of the year, Grammy or not." At first blush, this may seem overly boastful; after all, it's been established that T.I. may not be one of the 100 greatest rappers of all time, and T.I. never quite had the superstar power of a Kanye or a Kendrick or the type that usually wins the award. But the 2007 field for Best Rap Album was actually sorta weak. You have a Ludacris album with zero signature hits, which is notable given that Ludacris is the Foo Fighters of rap, an album from Pharrell that is only there because Pharrell made it, and albums from Lupe Fiasco and The Roots that were never going to win but do let the Grammys signal to their audience that they know what's up. Plus, 2006 in general was a shitty year for rap. You'd have to really stan for OutKast or Jay-Z to defend Idlewild or Kingdom Come, and apart from Food & Liquor, there aren't any classics bubbling just under the mainstream. Much in the same way 1989 was the best pop album of 2014 because everyone else's albums sucked, T.I.'s King was the best rap album of 2006. Unless you're into the Jeezy album or the Rick Ross album. Maybe those? I don't fuckin' know, I don't know history, this song is OK.

85) "LoveStoned," Justin Timberlake

Kind of unpleasant going from fun and actually composed music from Timbaland to "here's a thousand noises I slapped together TURNED TO ELEVEN" Timbaland. See, look at that, it has been like fifteen minutes, and I'm already nostalgic for the '90s. Only '90s kids will remember when Timbaland didn't make confusing music.

86) "Before It's Too Late (Sam and Mikaela's Theme)," The Goo Goo Dolls

Hey, remember in YAS '90s when I lamented the death of the soundtrack? Sure would be nice if we could pinpoint the exact moment the soundtrack cut died, the one soundtrack cut that ruined the commercial viability for future soundtrack cuts to come. Might be an interesting quest to take, to find the last soundtrack cut! Anyway, love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers love theme from Transformers

93) "Cupid Shuffle," Cupid

/went to bed at midnight /had a day at work where he said zero words to people /rough bus ride home /faced with 30 pop songs /plus self-imposed deadline /slumped over on desk /twitching more like... /labored breathing stupid shuffle /ugly crying that sounds like coughing

94) "Tough," Craig Morgan

It has been nearly two weeks since I've heard a country dude. I'm not even going to count the three country dudes I heard during YAS97, because one was George Strait and that treacly-ass nonsense about how daughters are awesome or whatever is about as country as a skyscraper. Not that this goes that much harder, it's a song celebrating a mother's toughness (which is honestly about as feminist as country gets), but you can really hear the difference in production values in country dude songs between 1997 and 2007. Songs get built better in the modren era, and while this eventually leads to the trashification of country, and also this song is cheeseball as hell, this is so much better to listen to than that Bros Brothers track.

95) "Everyday America," Sugarland

Songs like this are uncomfortable to contend with in an age where billionaires co-opt this sentiment to trick America into plunging itself into a totalitarion nightmarescape. This is a song that plays during the preamble to a rally where a man yells at you that the best way to save this version of America which never existed is to strip yourself of health care and just spray poison straight into the sun so that billionaires can pocket an extra $50k. I'm sorry, Sugarland. Usually I don't get in this mood, but this is 2017 we live in, and also all the things I said in the Cupid section.

99) "Misery Business," Paramore

I can hear the criticism of this song as something somewhat unfeminist, but expecting any 19-year-old to walk this earth cognizant of all social issues and doing their best to fight them is stupid. 19-year-olds should be making songs about some asshole what stole their boyfriend. It kinda sucks she used the word "whore?" But we all said shitty sings when we were 19. Most of the shit I said is archived on Facebook, and Hayley Williams has the singular misfortune of having her problematic years attached to THIS SONG WHICH GOES HARD AS HELL AND IS A POP/PUNK MASTERPIECE. This song rules. It's childish in all the right ways, and I'm always gonna have that nostalgia blind spot for it. Heck you for trying to ruin it with valid points about the song's less-than-chill attitude towards gender roles, just sit back, dawg. It could get worse. Remember when R. Kelly had a top 20 hit in this post?

100) "Guys Like Me," Eric Church

In the sense that this built a foundation on which Eric Church built up enough clout that he earned the creative freedom to make "Mr. Misunderstood," this song is worthwhile. In every single other sense, I can't believe I expressed something like positive thoughts about modren country music.

7.22.2017

(70) "Mi Gente," by J Balvin & Willy William

I was stoked to jump back into 2017 with some Latin pop. I've been down with this Latin pop revival (insofar as Latin pop needed to be revived (it was still thriving just not in the states (like duh))), and I was stoked for this song, but the translation shows that this is a song about how good this song is. I mean, hey, I've heard worse, but that doesn't mean we can't do better than this. Still, I like that fun kazoo noise, and this song has as much a right as any to shout about how good it is. Not a classic, but we ragequit this project after DJ Khaled took the top song, so hey, we're already doing better!

(78) "Rake it Up," by Yo Gotti ft./Nicki Minaj

Having heard every rap song that hit the Hot 100 from January through July 1997, I can confirm that literally all but one rapper in 1997 was better at the act of rapping than this Yo Gotti character. I have no nostalgia goggles for '90s rap, I am completely ignorant of any rap history that didn't make it to Shea Serrano's Rap Yearbook, I literally just mainlined the entirety of 1997 rap, and I can state from a position of authority that Yo Gotti is garbage to listen to. He has an advantage on Magoo, I am not here to engage in hyperbole, but he is worse at this thing he is being paid to do than all that preceded him. Nicki has a fun verse, her verses are usually fun, but this dude is awful. I'm supposed to think this is rap after having heard the "Not Tonight" remix? Come on, man.

(85) "Bodak Yellow," by Cardi B

I picked up Gangsta Bitch Music Vol. 1 based on the recommendation of a basketball podcast, and I was impressed. I thought there was a lot of potential there, and I'm glad to see it's getting harnessed into something. I might've picked a better person to mimic than Kodak Black, but I'm not gonna complain about a solid song. "Said little bitch/You can't fuck with me if you wanted to/These expensive/These is red bottoms, these are bloody shoes." I kinda fucking love that. Like, just casually letting you know she's already stomped on people. I'm into this. I hope she gets to do something less derivative in the future.

(87) "Who Dat Boy," by Tyler, the Creator ft./A$AP Rocky

I will never complain about Rocky in any situation. I actually haven't listened to... gosh, anything Tyler's made since Goblin. I think that's understandable, what with Goblin being terrible. But this is really cool. This isn't as Adult Swim as the Odd Future cohort can get. It still sort of sounds weird for weirdness' sake, but there's focus, there's actual dedication to making this sound like the nightmare Tyler thinks his head is. Plus, Rocky. I like that guy. Not bad! That counts as high praise, given my history with Tyler, the Creator.

(89) "Heartache on the Dance Floor," by Jon Pardi

he's not even a good singer. there is nothing about this dude's voice that is pleasant to hear, it sounds like an imitation of better singers, like what if you replaced everything that gave chris stapleton's voice depth and clarity and distinctive tone and replaced it with gross goat sounds. he has a range of "the note he sings in this song." fuck this dude and fuck everyone that ever believed in him.

(99) "Extra Luv," by Future ft./YG

Did... Did Future take inspiration from his collaboration with Calvin Harris? Because I don't think I've ever grooved this hard to a Future song. I don't think Future has ever made a song to be grooved to. It's usually music to make you run through a brick wall or music to contemplate every dark thought you've ever had, never a song that just exists for the sake of being fun to listen to. Like, did Future just go into the studio with Calvin Harris and just have his mind blown, like, "Wait, music can sound like THIS? I gotta try this shit out! Hot damn! This is a game-changer!" Still some sadness, it's about a woman loving how rich Future is and not Future himself, but it's packaged so differently from the rest of Future's stuff and I'm so thrilled if this is the direction Future will take with his next five albums!

Who won the week?

While we would like to give 2007 a shout-out for the individual achievement of Paramore, man, the rest of 2007 is horrible this week. 1997 and 2017 don’t fare a ton better; 2017 at least gives us three tracks that are interesting and, given how salty and/or burnt out I am, are probably a lot better than I think they are in my current mental state. It’s 2017.

Week Twenty-Nine

7.26.1997

31) "Someone," by SWV ft./Puff Daddy

Very nice work! Bob exclaimed, stirring himself from the Soulja Boy Tell'em passage he was writing because he doesn't need to listen to "Crank Dat" to know how "Crank Dat" makes him feel. You girls sure rocked the house! he said, wondering why he admitted he was looking past this song and not giving it the fair chance he gave other songs before it. Bob doesn't know what's happening in this paragraph, and while Bob would like to start over, he won't, because he wrote all these words, and deleting them would mean having to write more, y'know?

32) "I Can Love You," by Mary J. Blige ft./Lil Kim

A'ight, if you're gonna make me listen to this much R&B in one sitting, I appreciate that you're gonna give me something close to a standard. One day, man, I'm gonna get familiar with Mary J. Blige, and this song is a reminder of all the great things I'm missing out on, like I'm in a world right now where I'm not sure where this song ranks in the Mary J. Blige canon but can be absolutely certain it's not in the top tier. I'm gonna get to it, I've got other shit to work through but I swear, I'm gonna get to it. Gosh, I'm like seventy-five seasons behind on R&B musc.

57) "To the Moon and Back," by Savage Garden

...This could've stood to be a tad more dramatic. Like, I don't know, I'm trying to evaluate this song on some unspecified criteria, I lack the capacity of language to be writing these posts in the first place, I have no idea how to tell you what I'm looking for, but this song sounds like it's on this middle road between "beautiful subtle ballad" and "epic overblown power ballad," and I wish it would just choose a side, ever give me all the emotions or try to get at one specific emotion. It's alright, I didn't want to switch the YouTube video off, it just feels like nothing.

85) "(Freak) And U Know It," by Adina Howard

I've used the words "trash" and "garbage" a lot over the past week, because those are accurate descriptors of certain kinds of '90s music, but we also need to acknowledge when "trash" is a positive virtue. This song is trashy in all the right ways. It is completely unconcerned with engaging with the listener intellectually, focusing instead on the private parts, which she would very much like to freak. While sometimes it's disheartening when someone we know can do better doesn't try to do better, this song wouldn't work if it were concerned with anything but the basest desires. You should generally want something that is worth thinking about after you finish the song, but sometimes, you want a sexy voice over a funky bass line asking if you wanna go down.

7.28.2007

47) "Crank Dat (Soulja Boy)," Soulja Boy Tell'em

This song is a singular achievement in American culture, and the day it was brought to our attention is the day we were alerted to the meaning of life.

100) "Never Too Late," Three Days Grace

YAS ALT-HISTORY: if everything went according to plan, I was going to pretend "Never Too Late" didn't exist and make Soulja Boy Tell'em take on the offerings of 2017 on his own, the last Spartan warrior screaming at the cloud of arrows. You can't know anything close to the disappointment I felt in the twenty seconds it took me to scroll from 47 to 100, getting more and more excited for the Soulja Boy Tell'em vs. The World narrative, and then finding, of all songs, this buttrock ballad, here to ruin everything, here to drag Soulja Boy Tell'em down. Like, Three Days Grace was one of the better buttrock bands; "Animal I Have Become" is legit, and the entire One-X album is the best thing any buttrock band put out, but this ballad sorta blows, and it completely ruined what should have been Soulja Boy Tell'em week. I can't forgive this song for doing that to me.

7.29.2017

(23) "The Story of OJ," by Jay-Z (35) "4:44," by Jay-Z (47) "Bam," by Jay-Z ft./Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley (51) "Family Feud," by Jay-Z ft./Beyonce (55) "Kill Jay-Z," by Jay-Z (56) "Smile," by Jay-Z ft./Gloria Carter (63) "Caught Their Eyes," by Jay-Z ft./Frank Ocean (86) "Moonlight," by Jay-Z (90) "Marcy Me," by Jay-Z

Jay-Z is great and 4:44 is great and all of these songs are great and 2017 has pulled off two wins by cheating. Like, if there's one thing I learned from 1997, it's that, when Drake gets 20 songs on the chart, he's taking those spots away from weird and/or wonderful songs by artists that will never hit again. I can't stop thinking about "Fulton St." two or three days after hearing it, but if it happened to drop one of those weeks an AAA artist dropped an album in 1997 and the Billboard chart was using the formula it is today, I wouldn't have heard it. That's not to say these songs aren't great, it's just an unfortunate quirk of these modern times, that Jay-Z gets nine hit songs and someone smaller is gonna lose their shot at something like notoriety.

(33) "Bank Account," by 21 Savage (94) "Famous," by 21 Savage

has this dude ever felt an emotion? i dunno, it's entirely possible i didn't feel like paying attention, but both of these songs were rapped in the same passive tone, never changing, just a voice maintaining at some level of chill without acknowledging anything like a feeling. which is impressive, if the goal is to get people to listen and never stop listening, this is the voice you need to perfect, this is a voice that can lull you into a trance where you wake up two hours later and realize you've listened to two of this dude's albums, but i know i have to hit skip at the end, and it's so fucking boring DO SOMETHING

(25) "Praying," by Kesha

Kesha went through a lot to make this song, and, as is stated, she has been through hell, through no end of pain and torture the likes of which no one should ever have to know. I can respect that.

(52) "Sorry Not Sorry," by Demi Lovato

I'm into Demi Lovato. I'm into shallow fun pop songs. I hated every second of this. Here's my conspiracy theory. I mentioned 1989 when discussing T.I. What if there's a conspiracy going on to make all pop music sound really shitty so that, when Tay Tay releases her album, she doesn't have any insurmountable hills to climb to claim Album of the Year again? (Yeah, DAMN. happened, but To Pimp a Butterfly was better than 1989. Didn't stop the Grammys!) Like, I'm into everything Julia Michaels has done, and I'm gonna love any album she releases, but she's not on that level. Selena Gomez is doing fun stuff, but she needs one more "Bad Liar" if she wants to hit that level. We're apparently not into Lorde anymore, we're finally over Katy Perry, no one else seems to be willing to release an album, I mean, Tay Tay's gonna take another weak year and use it to trick people into thinking an A- album is an A+. Big Machine somehow ruined this song, and we need to figure out how deep this goes.

(89) "Glorious," by Macklemore ft./Skylar Grey

I am as interested in Macklemore without Ryan Lewis as I am in six untoasted hot dog buns.

(91) "Get Low," by Zedd & Liam Payne

Oh good, the EDM dudelords are starting to rip off Calvin Harris' funky sound. Great. Look what you did, "Slide." (And to some extent, we should hold "Run Up" responsible, except "Run Up" is perfect and you never gave it a chance.) Now Zedd thinks he can make a shitty summer song. I didn't want to hear what Zedd thought summer sounded like. Turns out Zedd thinks summer is good! What a bold take, never saw that coming.

(92) "Fetish," by Selena Gomez ft./Gucci Mane

pop music is bad and i should not have added more of it to my weekly routine. "you've got a fetish for my love." that's fucking stupid. like, see! we had two decent songs from selena gomez, then this tanks her momentum! we're setting up for another year where tay tay takes a bye into Album of the Year consideration, and it won't even be as good as Red. she'll take her special brand of adult top 40 and amaze people who haven't heard a good song in weeks. man. what an unfortunate week to attempt to pull a double shift. the right thing to do would be to go to tumblr and say i'm cranky and need more time, but despite how bad the weeks were, i think i have some solid jokes. also, we got to think about jay-z for a few seconds! that was nice. thank you for making music this year, jay-z, i truly appreciate the work you put into making this post not a chore.

Who won the week?

It is kind of cheating to roll out a classic rap album, especially when the rest of 2017′s offerings were so enh. (I might like 21 Savage more if I weren’t so over everything.) But 1997 and 2007 don’t bring much to the table, either, and I can’t help how the charts get made. 2017 wins another one, which actually puts it ahead in the season standings: 2017: 11 1997: 10 2007: 8 Next week, 2007 rolls out High School Musical 2 and Billy Ray Cyrus against “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems,” which I think is going to go very well for 2007! 2017 will likely feature that shitty bro country dude’s attempt at being Chris Stapleton. Congratulations, 1997. (Hey, Bob, when you gonna do 1987, it only m)NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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